The Pain Burrows

I ran my hand over his cheek and down his neck only to find a chest of skin and bones. The clothing hid the tell tale signs of imminent death along with the odor that death carry’s with it.

The sadness washed over my face and down my body and as he laid there with his eyes closed my body started slowly with the tears. Making their way down my cheeks my tears turned into uncontrollable crying.

My body was racked with the pain of loss which would come within hours. He no longer felt pain as I had given him the morphine required to steal away his physical pain.

He had talked to me earlier but few words were spoken. The pain in his eyes said volumes as we shared our last physical moments together. He and I had a life together, children together, built a house together and shared good as well as bad times.

The memories came and went at their own free will and I was at a loss to stop the invasion. Yes, the memories were invading me when I least expected it or wanted it.

I hated the memories as they brought not just the death of my husband but the death of my grandmother as well. Both were in great pain shortly before they passed and I was there to help them cross over.

Until you walk in the shoes of someone that has been a caretaker for someone taken over by cancer you have no idea how much the days tear at our hearts.

You have no idea how hard it is to watch a loved one slip away, slowly and methodically. You can never wash away our pain and emptiness and you can never even imagine how the pain burrows into our hearts.

Sadness In The Heart

I have such sadness within myself and it’s all over my son and his confusion of self. He met someone on the internet and had this guy picked him up when I wasn’t at home. He isn’t aware that I have befriended him on facebook and I can now read all of his posts. He posted that he is gay and has finally come out of the closet but I do not believe this. I think he is confused because the attention he is getting is from some guy who obviously has bad intentions.

For some sexual confusion comes when they are much younger and they have sexual experiences with both male and female and they eventually find their way, may they be gay or straight. My son is so lost within himself and he has all of these emotions and hormones raging and I am going to drop a bomb on this guy when my son comes home. I know this guy is over 18 and my son is only 17 and bipolar which of course this guy doesn’t know.

As a mother I am compelled to protect my child even if he ends up hating me at least I know he will be safe. I get so pissed that someone would take advantage of my child but I cannot stop the world from being so fucked up. I can always tell when my son meets some jerk online because he treats me like shit and thinks he has all of the answers but don’t all of us think that when we are young? My child has gotten me so upset that I cannot eat and do not sleep well because of worry.

If my son is gay then so be it but I refuse to let anyone lead him to believe some bullshit when they are taking advantage of him mentally as well as physically. My son is a wandering soul and has been since his dad passed three years ago. His father played such a small part in his life as he never did anything with my son that fathers generally do because of his own depression and lack of self worth since he became an amputee in 2003.

I do not know what else to do as I have no one I can talk to about this, I have no man in my life that might be able to give me some sound advice and guidance. It’s hard being a single mother without having at least an x-husband in the picture. I have learned that the internet is dangerous and few if any can be trusted because everyone is so damn fake and phony and out for what they can take from others instead of what they can give.