C Ya

Things with “C” have almost ran their course because he is just to damn controlling for me. He doesn’t want me to have my fb, he wants to be part of my new business-that will never happen and now he is starting to pressure me for sex. In today’s world everyone is having sex on the first date but I don’t drop my panties that quickly.

I have tried to calculate the cost of several dinners as far as sexual and I can’t quite figure out if the first time we went to dinner is worth a blow job, the second dinner, taking a shower together, third dinner, having sex. How do you figure out the cost of a date?

I have decided that I am not ready to be sexually active just quite yet or maybe I am waiting for the right person. I have agreed to meet someone in Vegas in January but I am not holding my breath waiting for this meeting to happen. He says he will follow through but I dont know if I can believe him.

I’m starting 2013 off on the right foot by letting someone into my life and if it isn’t “him” it will be someone else. I will not wait any longer for anyone and I want to be out of here in two years and that is how long it would take before any type of relationship would be stable enough for me to make any decisions.

Green Light

Relationships are like traffic lights and one should know when to stop at the red and the yellow is a warning. People try to rush things and that isn’t a good thing for any relationship, all I know is life is too short to wait for tomorrow.

We take time for granted when we really shouldn’t and if you want to be with someone, be with them because you do not know how much time you will have that person. When people really love you they forgive you for your discrepancies and they stand by your side.

If you are one of the foolish ones that want to wait until they have enough money, own a big house and car or can retire then you are wasting precious moments that you cannot afford to waste. We fool ourselves into believing that special person will always be there.

When we realize that the special person is moving on we begin to panick and try to make a connection before it is too late. If you are the one moving on you know that moving on is damn hard but is possible and the one you waited so long for could redeem themselves if they chose but you will not wait for that day, and that is where I am.

I am moving on and yes it is sad and it is a death in many ways but I have to love myself first and let love in my life. I waited and waited, forgave time and time again but I have finally reached the move on point.

I do miss him terribly and when I try to call he no longer answers his phone so I have given up totally. I would have thought he would have called and said he was sorry for forgetting my birthday or that I wasn’t important enough or something was more important, at least something.

This shows me he doesn’t love me or care so moving on is the right choice for me. If he is one of those type that is to ashamed and has no excuse then grow some balls and be a damn man, I have had to grow balls for myself so it can be done.

Love is damn hard to find and when you find someone who loves you and you love them then grab it because love doesn’t ride a carousel and it won’t be there forever. It has taken me so damn long to find love but I have to let it go because it isn’t mutual.

I am spending more time with “C”, I only use the first letter of his name because his name is so damn long, something about those latinos and long names. He is sweet but something isn’t fitting into this picture right and I do not know what it is other than the memory of another.

I wish he would just let me be free, no contact at all so I can move on with “C” because this is the first guy I have started to see since my husband passed. It is different and strange but welcome and comforting. So if you are reading this let me go please because there is no us and never was.

There is no money ever going to you again so forget that and besides you are finally doing well enough on your own again. Let me have the happiness I deserve because you do not want to be with me anyway.

We both know you could have been with me long ago but then that might have caused you trouble with a certain someone at the time. Well, that time is done and over and in your past and you still have chosen not to come meet me, so cut me loose and go on your way, please.

No Entry

There is something wrong with me and I am having a difficult time sexually with someone I am seeing.  We have slept together naked and not had sex, only romance and kissing and I know I shouldn’t be complaining because I love romance and kissing.

I want to have sex with him but I can’t, don’t ask me why there is just something stopping me. It’s as if I have sex with him then there is a committed relationship and I do not want that. I am not someone who will have sex for the sake of having sex, if you know what I mean.

I really like “C” but I’m not ready for that leap and he isn’t pushing me, I think I am pushing myself as if I have fallen off a horse and I am getting back on to get over my fear. Men are not horses and I am sure sex is like riding a bike but for some reason I cannot take that step with him.

This is not normal behavior or is it? Do people get afraid to have sex when they have been alone for so long physically? It’s as if sex is a trap that lures you in and grabs you from behind and for me it solidifies a relationship, am I wrong?

Love Thy Pervert

Ok I admit this is my favorite subject SEX, I love everything about sex-doing it, planning it, dreaming about it, writing about, talking about and fantasizing about it. I am a pervert at heart compared to most women and the ones that are my age would gladly pay someone to have sex with their husband so they don’t have to.

I admit sex can get boring, very boring if you don’t take the time to make it exciting and if you want to keep your man at home and out of another’s bed you better be a pervert in the bedroom, kitchen, living, front and back yard. I think of sex in different terms than a lot of people because sex is not just sex to me.

Sex should be a deep connection between to people and you should be able to see that connection when he is inside you looking into your eyes. You should be able to feel that connection as well and it should be deeper than anything you have ever felt for another person.

Sex isn’t just about the orgasm and it isn’t just about the wet spot left on the sheets, sex to me is self-expression of kindred spirits looking to quiet the soul and meet its mate. Sex can be so fun and exciting, so loving, gentle and caring, so eye-opening to the depths of another’s soul.

I have always been very sexual and I have some kind of “magic” that hits men right between the eyes. I think it is how sensual I am and how I make sex to be an experience like most have never had. I am not bragging, just stating facts from past men that were in my life.

I have never had a single complaint in the bedroom or out and I have been told by more than one man who I gave a new meaning to sex for them. They were used to other women  lieing in bed with their legs spread and no emotion, like a dead fish out of water to long. 

I enjoy touching the person in ways they have never been touched and that isn’t limited to their body. I believe you must touch ones soul to bring them to a place they have never been. I have even had an x boyfriend call me and ask me if we could have sex because he missed the way I made him feel.

I enjoy quickies but I really enjoy the quiet evenings on clean sheets and the use of body oils and toys. I like it to be fun and exciting and that is how it is. I like to look into his eyes as he enters me and see what he is thinking and feeling and it is more than obvious if you look into his eyes.

I want to have sex so bad with this guy I just started seeing but that isn’t me, I am not a flash in the pan woman and there has to be more than a good time to me. If I sleep with you then you have me for as long as you want but if I do not sleep with you within the first three months you can bet you are nothing more than a friend.

I would rather come home with wet panties and my self respect in tact instead of coming home with wet panties and using someone for sex or let myself be used. People jump into bed together way to fast and that is why they seem to think they are in love, a smart woman keeps her panties on or her legs closed until she can see that she is going some place in the relationship.


Ok, it’s time to admit I am one twisted human being, I like to do weird shit that most people would never think of. I’ve been known to dance with a mannequin, walk in six inches of snow to the mail box naked, moon someone who pissed me off in Wal-Mart. Yes, I do shit like that just because.

I have no reason or rhyme I just act out in outrageous ways because I enjoy it, and I love to laugh at myself. I have just been contacted on one of the dating sites by a gentlemen that is exactly like me! Now that is quite unexpected but we are having a great conversation and who knows, this might be fun.

I am not trying to make anyone jealous especially my stalker as he gets crazy and does some strange shit, I just want the world to know that I am still desirable and always lovable. I will not spend my life alone any longer and I am searching for fun and another twisted human being like myself.

Who Is He?

He is a very, compassionate young man of 17, he has no parents and lives with a step father and his wife. He is a great kid and has come to be a very good friend to me. He helps me with anything I need and he listens to me, he is not a young man of 17 intellectually and his compassion is incomparable.

He sat he with me the last few nights and hugged me while I broke down, it wasn’t sexual or sensual-it was one person comforting another-he made me something to eat, has cleaned up for me and ran errands. We are not lovers, not even close-in more like I have another son.

I do not know what I would have done without James, honestly I believe he has saved my life in many ways. I am helping him as much as I can and he is helping me tenfold. So if you think we have a sexual relationship-turn around and do not even go there and even though I am dealing with a bad situation, I try to focus on something else for a while and I write.

You fool, I will write of you, us, my fantasies and that isn’t going to change, so get a fucking grip, quit trying to make me jealous and hurt me because it isn’t going to work. I wish you all the happiness in the world what more could you possibly ask for? You are the master of your mind and if you let it wonder, it will take you into places you shouldn’t even go.

All Thumbs

All Thumbs

So how many of you enjoy foreplay as much as the dirty deed itself? Why do people let sex turn into boring and a “job”. 

Making love is something special between two people and fucking is what you do to enhance your sexual desire for one another.

That’s when you need to introduce a threesome, yes I do believe an occasional threesome can really keep a relationship lively.

I do not find anything dirty or wrong about bringing a third party into the bedroom and enjoying each other physically. People treat sex like it is something dirty and parents don’t bother to talk to their children about the subject.

I seem to be a woman that is unique in her thinking but I assure you there are plenty of women that think like me. We like to get “freaky” because we know something the younger gals do not know. We are experienced and we know how to keep our home a happy one.

I really want to be in love and I do believe it’s about to happen but if it doesn’t it doesn’t and if that is the case I swear I am going to beat the shit out of him. I really do not want to get physical with him but if I must kick his ass then so be it.

Bipolar Bad Ass

I am writing about bipolar disorder because it’s time to celebrate and share how well I am doing. I didn’t talk about it for the longest time because I was so afraid that I would have a major set back but that has yet to happen.

I was doing some really fucked up things when I was ill, I was meeting men that I didn’t know but all I did was smoke some weed with them. One guy wanted me to put on his x wifes fur coat and that was weird so I didn’t do it and made some excuse to leave.

I got scammed out of 23 grand, yes you read it right, 23 thousand dollars because I was so “in love” with a no name no face person on the internet. I was so desperate for love that he got me at the perfect time in my life, when I was weak and vulnerable.

When you are ill you feel so bad about yourself and when someone starts to build you up you grab a hold of them like they are a life saver. You get caught up in the bullshit they lay on you and you start to have feelings for someone you have no clue who the fuck they are.

You forget shit and lose stuff, go on spending sprees and sex sprees, you are very loud and appear disoriented, which you are at times. The mania keeps you up for days and you are wound for sound until the lows hit you with the force of a locomotive.

Depression sucks you down and you have no desire to do a damn thing and when it’s really bad, you do not shower, brush your teeth, hair and you have no desire to take care of your hygiene what so ever. You have no desire to do a damn thing and only do what is absolutely necessary.

You walk through the days without any desires at all and you  care about nothing or anybody, you are just walking dead. The depression makes you feel so down that suicide is the only escape or so you think at the time.

I was going to hang myself, I had the rope hanging from the garage door frame and had the dead man’s noose ready to go and Bob, my husband came home and stopped me. I was so ready to hand myself and I wasn’t thinking twice about it either.

But those days are gone, yes they are behind me and I am well, finally I am feeling great ok maybe not great but pretty damn good about myself. It’s a very hard illness to control and I have been trying to control it since I was diagnosed in 2002.

It’s been ten years of pure hell but I have finally gotten the beast under control and I am aware that I could succumb to the illness again. I keep a strict eye on myself and take my meds, see my dr. and go to counseling.

When you are down you cannot see up and do not believe you will ever feel better again but there is hope even though you may think there is none. If the truth must be known and it must if you are not getting better then you have several options.

First, let your doctor know that the meds aren’t working and if he/she doesn’t change your “cocktail” to your liking by the fourth time then it’s time to change doctors.Do not hesitate to change your doctor or voice your concerns.

For those that prefer holistic meds add marijuana, yes I know we have been programmed to think marijuana is a bad drug. Look at the side effects of all your meds and you will find that marijuana is so much healthier for you as is other naturals.

Smoking weed really does help as it relaxes you and puts you in a euphoric state of mind. Yes, it helps hell it helps a lot and is quite beneficial, I find it to be a “friend’ that cares and helps me unwind and chill out for a while.

My father passed in January and him and I would smoke weed together as we talked and he taught me new things. He was big into holistic medicine and he could control pain like no one I ever knew, he passed at home from colon cancer and I gave him hash laced joints for the pain in the very end days.

My dad was 74 when he passed and he smoked weed his entire life and he didn’t think twice about smoking and he accepted everyone for who they were. My dad’s IQ was off the charts and he created new laws, worked on a secret project for the govt, and he came up with money saving ways for a hamburger chain.

My dad knew I was ill and he tried to help me and keep me focused, he could tell when things were not going good for me and he knew when the mania had taken hold of me. My dad was someone special and I knew him as a man not a father.

He had me try different herbs and such to help me and he loved me even though he never said it. My father and I had no relationship until six years ago and the relationship we had built was special and I miss him so much but he accepted me for who I was, illness and all.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot get better as that is a fucking lie, there are those that get better and I am here to stand up and say “fuck you I am better and you cannot knock me down”. Never give up and let go, never accept what others say.

I am the proverbial bipolar bad ass as I have overcome adversity and I have become one of the few that have gotten that bastard under control. You can never give up or give in because it’s up to you and you alone to take a stand and get help.



I am starting to understand how the dating process works these days and wow have they changed considerably in the last twenty years. Things are all about sex and that is the beginning of conversations and then you move on to the get to know you phase.

This is all quite backwards to me but I am finding it fun non the less. I don’t know if he realizes I am kidding with him most of the time but I wish I could see his face for his reactions. I’m sure he thinks I’m an arrogant bitch but I do not mean a single thing I type.

I am just messing with him and I think he is starting to pick up on when I’m joking as I am getting more lol’s out of him which means he is understanding my lack of seriousness in our conversations. I’m glad I  can make him laugh and make him feel care free because I know I do.

He needs just to relax and I think I help him accomplish that, at least I hope I do. I think he works way to much and I think he hides in his work as most workaholics do. His hours may be part of his job but he needs to be good to himself.

I’m starting to believe that he has feelings for me and I like talking to him, I can read him very well which is odd but I can tell when he is stressed out and tired. I’m really looking forward to meeting him and just relaxing together and talking and sleeping.

I know I should be excited about sex but I’m not for some reason I’m more interested in knowing about him and making his body and mind relaxed. I really am looking forward to bathing him and lieing in bed together just touching each other.

I know that is being quite idealistic but sometimes two people can communicate so well just by touching and even though we both have a huge sex drive I really look forward to simple times and relaxing. I know that sounds boring as hell but it can be quite nice.

I’m not going to see much of him as it is so I am not interested in going to any place we cannot talk and get to know each other. He seems like a real nice guy and I really like his voice as it is manly yet boyish which I like. He seems to be getting used to talking to me more and he even offered to talk to me after he jacked off but I knew he needed to unwind.

I get the feeling he contacts me as soon as he walks in his door and that’s a nice feeling, real nice feeling. It’s nice to get to know someone without seeing them then there are no preconceived notions and I do not care what he looks like.

He’s tall and I like that, the men in my family were tall and they made me feel safe and protected so I guess that’s the attraction to height. The 28th can’t get here soon enough for me and that is something I am not used to. I am not used to looking forward to something and I like it, I like it a lot.