Beautiful Her

IMG_0098My daughter is such a beautiful person and even though she pushes my buttons I love her. She has a great head on her shoulders and she actually keeps me on the straight and narrow. She is always keeping me from helping people that will do nothing but fuck me over. I really enjoy my time with Shelby because she is so grounded and I have finally realized that my daughter is proud of me, ya she is proud of me and that is a wonderful feeling.

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Jealousy Theory

I have finally figured out what triggers Ryan’s depression and attitude, it’s his sister. Ryan is obviously jealous that I enjoy my daughter’s visits and I want to be part of her life. His entire demeanor changes when she is around and he is mean and very moody. I am glad I go to counseling and will start family counseling again.

Shelby doesn’t like to be around Ryan because he acts this way and there is really no excuse for it. I spend all of my time with Ryan and very little time with Shelby but he still resents her being around. He is constantly comparing himself to her and that is what my husband did to my son.

My husband always made Shelby out to be the greatest kid alive and never made Ryan feel good about himself. I can only do so much and a boy needs positive reinforcement from his dad. I have tried to build up my sons self esteem but I can only do so much and then my hands are tied.

I am hoping this new school makes Ryan feel good and I know he will feel accepted which is a great thing for him. The principal is supposed to be really good with kids that don’t fit in and Ryan is one of those kids. I do not see why he doesn’t fit in but I am not a kid either.

Back Seat Terror

My son Ryan, daughter Shelby and James the one I have adopted all decided to brave Black Friday. I needed a new mattress for my bed and so I bought one, finally. It came with a 32” tv and that just wouldn’t do so I upgraded to a 60″. My husband spent 5 grand on one and Ryan and I were arguing and he threw his phone at me and I threw it back hitting the tv and breaking it.

It was actually a good thing because I want no reminders of my husband and that tv screamed at me everyday to remember him. Anyway, Ryan has his drivers permit and he was driving and James was in the passenger front. Shelby and I were in the back seat and have you ever looked at someone and your eyes were wide open?

Shelby and I were looking at each other like we couldn’t wait to get our feet on the ground. Ryan was afraid to part so we went in a circle four times around a parking aisle until he finally parked. Shelby was making fun of him to me and he over heard her and threw down the keys he was so mad.

He has already gotten his first speeding ticket which cost 130.00 dollars and he does scare the hell out of me. Shelby and I are getting along so good since I finally admitted my fear of losing her and I think she is beginning to understand how I feel. We are to go to court with cps next month and the judge is going to order her to move back home.

I told her I wouldn’t make her move back and I won’t because I have to accept my little girl is a young woman. So we are slowly mending our relationship but none the less both of us are scared to death of Ryan’s driving. I do not remember Shelby being that bad but we made it home safe and sound.

Bypass Child

It is difficult for me to accept the fact that my daughter will be leaving for college before I know it. Yes, she still has to graduate high school but even that is a blink away. Because of circumstances beyond my control my has been living with her boyfriend and I will tell you that goes over like a lead fart with me.

Those that know me are surprised at my reaction regarding my daughter because they never knew I would be so against my daughter living with her bf. Yes, it bothers me because I feel he has too much influence over her and no influence from me at all, and his mother also puts her two cents in as well.

I was very hurt when Shelby was driven to U of D by her bf’s mom and he went along. Those are trips her and I should be taking together and I was really pissed and hurt. I wanted her to come stay at home this week because she is off of school but she didn’t want to and we got into a huge fight.

I thought about it and I have finally accepted the cold hard facts which are she is going to be 18, she is going to do what she wants and she is a brilliant young lady that has lived the last three years in a very difficult place. She is to smart and to pretty for her current bf but for me to keep them from each other is just going to push them closer together.

I am hoping once she starts work and college she will see he needs to grow up quite a bit. I will go on a nut if she spends a dime of her settlement on him instead of school but once again I cannot control that either. I cannot control her at all and I actually do not want to.

I apologized to her and explained to her how hard it was for me not to have her at home and I will be letting her go for good very soon. I had to admit that I wasn’t mad but very hurt and that showing anger was a way to protective myself from further hurt. The honesty on my part has brought us closer together and I can feel us rebuilding our relationship, which is great.

Travel Rocks

I do not have a clue of what I want in my life but I do know in two more years I am out of here. I am working on getting rid of stuff and I have a lot of stuff and I will be so glad to get rid of it.

I am trying to put as much crap online for sale as possible with xmas so close already people are snatching up my books. I made about 130 dollars last week which isn’t bad for books that I do not need.

I am still donating more stuff to Salvation Army and I want to get rid of as much as possible. Shelby is going to need stuff and so is Ryan so I am looking at getting rid of stuff between the two of them.

I have heirlooms that I have no use for like my mother in-laws china, I am just going to put that stuff online as well. I have my great grandmother’s china which is being passed to Shelby. 

Shelby wants my wedding ring which I think is b.s. because she shouldn’t be using my ring to enhance hers and she told me she wants some diamonds from Bob’s ring and my ring. My ring is worth around 7 or 8 thousand and it is beautiful.

I think I should just sell it and I can replace a banquet for Shelby, that girl does not need my wedding. If her “fiance” at the time can’t afford I nice ring well then he gotta go because her taste is too expensive.

Party Not

I could be out having a great time tonight but my daughter is home for the weekend and it’s a way for her to transition back into the family. The guy I have started to date is a bit peeved that I set him aside for my daughter who will be 18 in January. He’s a heck of a nice guy but hey my kids come first in my life.

He is choking on this and it bothers him but I told him my kids are all I have and I am all they have and do not try to come before them because it will never happen. My kids don’t have the luxury of having family alive and I am the one they too for  everything.

He is beginning to assume he will see or talk to me every day and that is bugging me, he is moving to fast and showing signs of cracking where my kids are involved. I have no respect for anyone that puts someone they are dating before their kids, our kids were our choice and they should always be paramount in our lives.

I like spending time with my kids and Shelby is tutoring tonight and will be home soon. I enjoy my kids and I really am enjoying watching my daughter turn into a woman. I am so proud of her and can see her doing very well for herself and that is something to be proud of.

Ryan is doing better but he has lost a good friend at school, she no longer will have anything to do with him since his suicide attempt. It has to be so hard for him and he has asked to go to counseling twice a week and of course I have agreed. My kids have issues because of my husband and myself and not to let them work that out is a crime.

 

Dodging Bullets

It seems as if I am forever trying to dodge one bullet after another because I have been involved in so many messes. I am going on this vacation and keeping it from the child services worker not keeping it from her but told her I was leaving the sixth of next month.

She doesn’t need to know and besides Shelby is at the house and the neighbors will keep an eye out for the kids as well. I just really need to get away and I’m going, no it is not going to be filled with wonder and excitement as I am going to rest.

I must admit I know Mr. Perfect will ride up on his shiny horse and whisk me away into never never land, I just hope I don’t run into Michael Jackson, I mean let’s be serious his face is scary with all those surgery’s. It would be wonderful to meet the man of my dreams but let’s face it life isn’t that good to me.

I am trying to clean my basement and that is scary in itself as I feel when I go down there I may never surface again. There is so much junk that needs to be hauled out and the salvation army called to come pick it up, there are Bob’s clothes that are still in a mover box and they will be the first to go.

I have more non ambulatory equipment then you can shake a stick at, I could start my own handicap division. I need to put that stuff up on Craigs List and sell it. I do not want reminders of my past life and I’m donating a bunch of Nascar stuff as well just to get rid of it.

I have more picture frames then a framing shop and those are going as well. I want to get that basement ready to rent out to cover the payment on the loan I had to take out. I have to get new carpeting laid and set up the “private gym” I have a sauna as well I think I might put back in my bedroom.

Life is moving forward as usual with no shocking news or arguing which is exactly how I like it. When Shelby comes home I am sure the arguing will start again. She rags on Ryan so much I am hoping things have changed but I doubt it.

It’s funny as hell when we have an argument and the door bell rings, we instantly stop and change our attitude because we think it’s a cps check up. Lol, it is funny how quickly people pull together when they feel threatened as we do as a family.

When Shelby turns eighteen in January things will be so much easier for me as she will be an adult and I won’t have to worry about Ryan if I want to go somewhere for a few weeks. Damn this trip has my head all screwed up my itinerary is

 DTWto ALB | 27 Aug 2012 Show Details
12:06pm DTW 1:40pm ALB Nonstop

ALBto DTW | 11 Sep 2012 Show Details
4:30pm ALB 6:21pm DTW Nonstop
McNamara Terminal 1h 51m DL 37331 Economy (T)

You’re probably wondering why I put it in my blog, well I’m a lazy one and it’s easy to copy and paste, lol. So I now will remember when I’m leaving because there is so much going on right now it’s to much for my pea brain to remember.

Look

Have you ever been in an old farm house where there was a cellar and the cellar door took all your force to open and creaked loudly as you pulled the door open? Well that is the definition of the placement of my heart at this time.

It’s that stuck door that creaks when the right person opens it and the creaking eventually gets oiled and the door opens so much easier. That is the only way I can express my deeper most feelings as I am ready to get involved with someone but it isn’t that easy just to lay my heart out there.

I so want to enjoy life with another but everyone seems to be licking their own wounds including myself and I have come a long way but can he handle being with a widow? My children coming first and foremost? Can he handle the occasional tears that will flow when a passing memory pops into my head.

Is it wrong for me to feel sadness yet be happy with another? There is so much commitment even after death and it takes awhile to let all of the pain go but I’m doing a good job and opening up to another, letting them in and sharing life together.

The death of a marriage comes in two forms, physical death of a partner or divorce and neither is easy for anyone. The difference is you are dealing with a physical death on top the the death of the marriage, you lost a way of life as well as a person.

Everyone needs to heal and you do reach a point where you are able to let someone sneak into your dreams and then slowly your body starts to respond again to sexual excitement and then finally the brain needs to be fed by another adult.

You finally reach the point that you do want companionship again, someone to wake up to, someone to share life with, someone to make new memories with, a new life and a new way altogether. Relationships are not all the same and because my first marriage was a let down has only made me believe even stronger that the next one if there is one will be exactly what I have always wanted.

We marry for so many different reasons and we marry in youth because we think “this is it” we have our life partner but we find that as we grow, have children we change and we do change and grow apart, which is not what we signed up for but happens none the less.

Me, I married out of “duty” to my unborn child as I felt it was important to raise a child with two parents, no money was not an issue in fact quite the opposite. I just didn’t want my child raised without a father like I was and I liked him.

Some may say “you liked him”? WTF? Well, I believe a relationship has to begin first with liking each other as people, as the person we are, who and what we are. There has to be a friendship first or forget it and I was friends with my husband.

Today, Ry and I went to the cemetery because I had to pick up the thumbie I had made for my daughter. They take a thumbprint of the deceased and you can get a charm made with the thumb print. I had one made for Shelby with her dates d.o.b her d.o.b. and then the date of his death.

It was done that way to represent that between my husband’s life and death he left the world with my daughter and that she will always be protected by him. I was just thinking about her getting married and if I should dress one half of my body in a tux and the other side in a mother of the bride dress. 

You know, I could be both mom and dad, depending on which side of her I stood, lol ya I’m an asshole I already know that. I just try to look at a special occasion with some humor but I know I will cry like a baby when I see her getting married.

Don’t tell me either I’m not loosing her I’m gaining a son, no way I do not want to consider him that close to the family if it’s the guy she is with now. Well, I won’t go there but she has to much going for him and I hate to see her with someone mentally below her.

We had counseling together today and she hates going but to bad and I think it will be good for all of us because it is difficult for Shelby to talk about her feelings. She’s a typical Capricorn at the top she is very determined and focused, very mature and beautiful.

It is my time to be happy, really happy and enjoy life with someone else, yes it is frightening but being alone forever is not something that would enhance my life. I just want to be silly and laugh, moon cars, eat ice cream, have random sex in a restaurant bathroom, share a hot dog and a coke, making out and getting felt up on the side of a building.

Ya, it’s called being a kid again, it’s called doing what you have always wanted to do and enjoy the hell out of yourself doing. Sharing those moments with another that will just look at you like you are nuts and laugh themselves silly.

LIFE BEGINS AT MIDNIGHT, LET’S GET WILD AND DO SOMETHING CRAZY!