Tears Of Holiday

This is the first Christmas without my dad and the second Christmas without my husband. I quit enjoying holidays the year I got married. Watching my kids open gifts was always a delight but when that was over I considered the day over and I was always glad. Tears of Holidays follow me like my shadow and I always cry these days over the empty, lost feeling of being alone on the holidays.

My kids have their own agenda and the closest I have been to my son in quite a while was tonight when both of us ran for the bathroom, him to puke and me, well there are certain foods that shoot through my system like a cannon. I do have to laugh because he puked all over the toilet, himself and me and I shit all over myself.

We didn’t know which smelled worse but both of us ended up taking showers, like yesterday. It just amazes me how we have four bathrooms but we seem to always use the one. I wonder if that is the case in most homes or is this just another oddity to this household.

I do not have a single decoration up or a Christmas tree and I just do not have any desire to celebrate the holiday’s because there is nothing for me to celebrate. Do I celebrate my dad’s death? My husband’s? No, I celebrate nothing even though Christmas has nothing to do with us or buying presents.

 

Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee

The shower is running and the steam is rolling from the room, you step under the water and it runs down your body but I am nowhere to be found. I want to wash you, kiss you, hold you and comfort you. It is our time soon enough if we hold on and keep the faith, the love that surrounds us is precious and unusual.

Hearts-Desire

We can try to deny the truth of our connection for only so long and then the man steps in and makes it happen. We walk hand in hand as the mist parts for us to have free passage. This is our life, this is our destiny and this is the place we belong but for only so long because we will be one in time.

Do not turn your back, do not close the door, do not run into the dark and stay out of the shadows. I will always protect you, I will always hold you dear to me and I will always be yours and yours alone. I tried to replace you but you have become my restrictor plate, you hold me tight and you push away the others.

You are a lover and you are a dreamer as I, do not deny it because we both know it’s true that you belong to me and I belong to you and you can run but I have a tight hold so do not jump off the cliff of denial because I am attached to your heart and you are attached to mine.

Nick

The Beach Boys were very popular when I was like 5 or 6 and Christmas just wasn’t Christmas without this song. 

We were living with my grandparents on their farm and Christmas morning was always so exciting, as it should be for kids. My grandparents pinned our stockings to the back of the couch because we had no fireplace. They would be filled with walnuts, apples and oranges so of course we never bothered with them, lol.

I can remember listening to Little St. Nick in my nightgown watching the snow fall and opening presents. Christmas was as it should be, fun, exciting and filled with love and laughter. It’s been many years since I have felt that way about Christmas and I do not know if I will ever feel that way again.

Holidays are for families and I have spent several holidays all by myself with a microwave dinner and tv. It’s a lonely place to be by yourself on a holiday and it makes you really appreciate your loved ones. I would so love to spend a holiday with someone who loved me for me but that has yet to happen, minus my children of course.

Slight

My hand is gently touching the side of your face, slowly sliding down your neck. I am looking deep into your eyes as I raise my other hand and start to unbutton your shirt. I remove your shirt from your shoulders and let it fall freely to the floor as you stand staring back at me.

I undo your belt, unzip and unbutton your pants and let them fall to your ankles as I slowly bend down and have you lift each foot as I remove your shoes, sox and pants. You are standing there naked except for your boxer briefs and you look down and into my eyes.

Now, go back to work and stay busy ok? Just thought I would throw a bit of a fantasy your way to start off your mid morning love, lol  mwaaahhhhhhhhh

U R Fool A

We make such silly mistakes in our lives and some really dumb decisions and we do not like the consequences. Life isn’t waiting for any of us and you are old today as you will ever be at this age which basically means you will never be this exact age again. We think live will hold for us and when we realize it won’t it’s usually too late.

People dress for success and when they are alone they can be themselves. People act a certain way to impress others and that is a fact which cannot be ignored. I want the real you not the fake and the phony shown to the world, I need the real thing, a real direction, a real love.

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We will always have a connection and that cannot be denied but the games are old and I’m tired of the ties we end up. I can’t waste time because I am not broken any longer, I have rebuilt myself, stronger and in control, no more little girl lost no I am a woman with a definite direction which includes you.

Turning Tables

He is gone, the wind he whistles to me in hopes that I can hear him. He is turning tables on me now, He has left me empty handed and praying to the Lord for help and guidance. He just left, no good byes, no see ya laters, no anything as he just walked out the door leaving his body behind.

His soul flew high and he is soaring high without me and he doesn’t need me any longer but someone else does, I am sure. Every year he was here giving me unwanted presents at xmas and now that I want those household items he isn’t here to give them. Everytime I see a front load washer and dryer I think of him.

Is it stupid? Is it a bit narcissistic? Is it about being confused and uncertain? He watches and laughs as he knows I will find my way somehow and he knows he is tripping me up. He always wanted to trip me up and now he is and he no longer has me chasing pavement, he is gone, his spirit is above.

It’s hard to be without my husband at times and I miss him because I wanted to keep him alive and I tried with every ounce of who I am. I lost battle and the war and he won as he looks down and says “See, I knew you would miss me”. He haunts me and he touches my shoulder as I cry and he says ” honey, I left so the one that should be with you will be with you, don’t give up hope on your dreams because he will come to you and make you so happy”.

I have accepted the fact that my husband did fall for me and loved me. He couldn’t let go of the best thing that ever happened to him. Those are his words not mine, I was a damn good wife and I am a damn good mother regardless of my present circumstances. My husband wants me to move on and let in the love I want so desperately.

He gave me a life pass to search and find myself and the love that should be in my life. He is a kind loving man and he supports me and has let me go long ago. It has always felt like he was there judging me, condemning me, criticising me, when the fact is he only supported me all along.

Feminine Control

IMG_3788Women can control men so easily and men fall for it most of the time. I was listening to my daughter talk to her bf and she was bossing him around and he just couldn’t jump fast enough. One thing I have learned in my life is when someone jumps and does everything for someone they are also building anger.

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When you boss someone around they begin to feel less than who they are and their self esteem is affected. Eventually, they blow up and want to control everything. There is no more “honey how much money do we have?” There are no more days where one is asking the other about bills being paid ect., it’s proof time.

I watched this happen with my husband, he accused me of hiding money and making investments he didn’t know about. Hell, I wasn’t hiding a damn thing, he just never cared as long as he had his cigarettes and food to eat. He cashed in so many investments and screwed the kids but that is water under the bridge.

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I am thinking about making some very radical moves where my son Ryan is concerned. I am tossing back and forth about letting him test out for his g.e.d. and put him into college. I don’t know we will have to see, his attorney thinks it might just be the way to go with Ryan.

Shelby is finding her own voice and finally standing up for herself with me. She is still afraid I am going to get mad at her but I am trying to explain how hard it is. I am letting go of my little girl and watching a woman emerge and  that isn’t so easy for me to swallow even though I must.

Hand Of Red

I got caught red handed doing a dirty deed and I should fee bad but I do not. I was blogging at dinner last night with”C” and I tuned him out. I got so into blogging it was as if he wasn’t there.

He evidently was talking to me and I was to engrossed in what I was doing so he grabbed my laptop and read what I was writing. This was not good and make him feel real bad after he read the part about him boring me to death.

He asked me why I didn’t let him know I was bored and I told him I had but he just didn’t listen. He was greatly insulted and dinner came to a dead halt and we left the restaurant. He started yelling at me and that pissed me off.

I reminded him I am a grown adult and will not be yelled at like a child and then he said I was acting like one. That did it, home I go get out of the car and he says he will call me, I told him don’t bother. Shit, what have I done?

Blog Calling

I know this is terrible of me but I am sitting at dinner with “C” and I am posting on my blog. He thinks I am writing a letter to my attorney, wow what a bitch I am. I like “C” a lot but he isn’t able to keep my attention for to long, he doesn’t have anything interesting to talk about that grabs my attention.

I just got an inquiry about my rv, I put it up on ebay, hell I would put you  up on ebay if they let me, lol. I am really having a lot of fun with ebay and amazon because I am easily amused, lmao. I have shipped several items to Israel which is expensive but they pay the shipping.

All he talks about is sports non stop which is boring as hell and he talks about his kids non stop. I don’t mind talking about either but you can wear out a topic. He was asking me where I would like to go on my honeymoon, and I am like what honeymoon? He started tip toeing around the subject and I made it clear to him there shall never be another binding ring on my finger.

He keeps insisting I will change my mind someday and I will realize I “need” a man, like hell I do. He keeps asking me to let him take care of me, he makes me feel like a wounded animal, damn.

 

All Different

Ryan got suspended on Friday and I have been trying all week to get him into another school. We finally had our “interview” with the principal and counselor this morning. I think this is a good move for Ryan and myself because this boy is draining me. He is so moody and he is like on an emotional rollercoaster.

He has had it pretty darn rough for a kid and this change may be what the doctored ordered. I have gotten him involved in my little business of selling junk and books on ebay and amazon. We are averaging 1 item per day which isn’t bad considering I only started listing two weeks ago.

There is a trick to selling on amazon and I figured it out pretty quickly and I am thinking about doing an online business reselling on ebay for other people. I know this has been tried in a building and doesn’t work but online may be different. It’s easy enough to make money and maybe it’s not a lot but it does build over time.

The kids get a kick out of me doing the amazon thing because I am selling stuff you never would think would sell, lmao. It is so true one man’s junk is another man’s treasure. Everytime I sell something I text the kids and say cha  ching and they crack up, it’s something all of us can be involved with and it’s fun as well.

My kids make me laugh because they tell me they cannot believe that I am actually getting money for selling junk, lol. They are always asking if I have sold anything else for that day, lmao. This is like a running a mail order business which is so easy as I had several mail order company’s years ago.

The kids are learning a thing or two from their hairbrained mother and I can see I have amazed my kids. You know kids have a way of making us feel invincible and they make us proud of ourselves, kids are just unique individuals who see us for who we really are, crazy or not.