Up & Give

Our biggest obstacle in life is ourselves and the lack of self-esteem. We do not think we can accomplish our goals and the we have those that smash our dreams. You can be anything or do anything you wish to as long as you believe and believing is the hardest part. All we need is faith in ourselves and others.


We had a very difficult time teaching my husband to walk with his prosthetic but he did it. He not only walked he could run and it was wonderful to see him walk and run like he used to. The loss of his leg destroyed a part of him and I could never even to begin to understand his pain but I tried.

When you feel like a failure and you feel like you cannot accomplish your goal, look back on this post and say out loud I CAN DO IT, I WILL DO IT.

Blue Bro’s

If you can remember the blues brothers then you surely saw “Animal House”. That movie covered every no no there was, nudity, racism and so on but it was a great movie. I still miss the “man” speed balling is a terrible way to die but he chose it and we no longer have his great comedic personality.



Imagine a time and place when men courted women and the woman’s female family members followed behind the couple as they walked. Imagine a time and place when the woman  carried her husband’s child inside of her and cooked a homemade meal. Imagine a time and place where the family was all that mattered and nobody messed with the family.

Those times are past us unfortunately but I wonder if they still exist in Italy or am I to caught up in the “Godfather”? I am old fashioned and I like living that way because that is all I have to hold onto is my memories. I think men appreciate being treated a certain way and I think they appreciate a woman who is capable of fixing a meal and taking care of him in the bedroom.

I imagine one day that my life will fall into its place and I will have my hopes and dreams come true. I would like to have a little ranch with black raspberry bushes growing and a little garden. It doesn’t matter how big or how small your dreams are they will not happen until the right time.


Only The Guilty

Are you cheating on your spouse, lover or significant other? Do you  have any idea how much you will destroy them when they find out? Maybe you are not cheating but you may be lieing to them regularly as he is with me.

He thinks I do not know or is it we choose to ignore that I know, no he continues to lie to me when I call him out on another lie. He won’t show up tomorrow, no he will just hand me another lie as why  he can’t be with me.

I do not know why he even bothers to lie as I already know there is no us, never was and never will be so why does he keep saying we will be together? It’s not like he has to lie to me because I wouldn’t know if it was the truth or a lie.

He gets nothing from me and never will again so maybe this is his sick idea of making me feel good. I don’t know what he is up to but it’s not going to be having dinner with me tomorrow, that I can bet one.

The Happy Side

I can honestly say I am not unhappy but I am not happy and I just go through each day as it melts into the next. I think most people live life that way and I surely know that  way to many marriages and relationships are like that. I was in a marriage like that so I can back up what I say.

I do not believe life is meant to be that way for me, no I believe my life will be exactly happy. I know it will happen one day but damn that day is taking a hell of a long time to get here. I know what it will take to get there and that is sharing my life with someone who can understand me.

I am very simple to understand but people look at me and get so confused by my different sides that they cannot even begin to grasp the real me. I am like that algebra problem I could never solve, I looked at it and got overwhelmed, but then I stepped back and looked at the problem piece by piece.

That is the way you have to look at people, many different things make up a person’s makeup and you have to break down the personality in that fashion. I know someone who was raised on a farm and understands the importance of the land yet he is wealthy and also appreciates the finer things.

I just want to be happy with someone else and watch the grass grow, I just want a simple life that is quiet and enjoyable. I just want to watch the moon and the stars slowly kissing the one that I love. Is that asking to much? Am I wanting just to much for myself and another?

Throw You Away

Here it is another day

I have tried to throw

You away

But for some reason

I want you to stay

Even though you 

Hurt me day after day

You say you love me

So make me see

Is it you or

Is it we?

Do you feel for me

Or am I fooling myself

I think I finally see

I am a fool

That you rule

Ripping out my heart

Not making me part

Of your life

Or your dream

Is this the way it 

Really is or the 

Way it may seem?

poly vu france







Ok Mr. Smartass I assumed since you have lived and  traveled all over the world you would speak 8 languages, but I guess 8 isn’t write maybe more like4 or 5????? Why do you feel the need to “show me who is boss”?? Deleting profiles and emails doesn’t make you look to good. You are beyond bored with your life and find some twisted sense of empowerment to hurt me. I could have hurt you really bad as I could have posted your naked pics all over the net, but I didnt because I get no pleasure in hurting others. You have refused to meet me so I am moving on and leaving you behind. I no longer find any enjoyment out of writing because you have killed something inside of me. I have matured quite a bit this year and being a Scorpio, I no longer am a low form like the scorpion which is its own worst enemy by stinging its. I have finally reached the phoenix and it doesnt matter what you do I refuse to react. I reached out to you but you never took my hand so now I am opening up to meeting locals. I pray that you find the happiness you once felt and find peace in your heart. Every time you do something to hurt me it makes me sad.  Yes, at first it was pissing me off but then I handed that emotion to the universe and I feel calm and hopeful that you allow yourself to feel again and love again. Its really a shame you have wasted all of this time not meeting me but I cannot make you. Sending you peace because you have a restless soul that needs quiet.

No I do not speak French but he does, he speaks at least 8 languages and he travels extensively. He is up in France at 3 am reading everything I write and he no doubt wishes he was with me. He knows how much I need him and how much he needs me but he cannot come to me because he chooses not to.

He is as lonely as I but he will not do anything about it, or so I hope. Maybe he is lying next to her and he is happy and comfortable but I cannot see him happy with anyone but me. I am all he will ever need if only he could see that and he could really see me. I am a good person, a loving person but that doesn’t seem to make a difference.

I may not be famous and I may not be rich in dollars but I am rich in kindness and that is what really matters in this world. Everyone is a taker and few are givers, the givers always seem to get burned or hurt and I am no exception. All I know is when I love I love deeply and it is hard for me to let go.

No matter how much we may think we are the perfect person for someone else, if they do not think the same way then all you are doing is setting yourself up for hurt. I know I am perfect for him but that doesn’t keep me from looking for love from someone else who may just be perfect for me.

I Don’t Know

I don’t know what I feel anymore, I don’t know what he ever felt if anything at all. I have no place in this world I feel comfortable and at peace, it’s as if I have to fight constantly. I feel so uneasy in the place that I am at and I noticed when we talked this morning there was silent moments where neither of us knew what to say.

That says volumes and now I know, there is no place with you that I belong. It’s time for both of us to move on, it’s hard to say but I feel it best, that we put this relationship to rest as it is going nowhere and you know it as well as I, it’s been nothing but one big lie. I was there for you and you for me but we are stronger now and we can move on.

It’s not with anger I say these words but a gentler and kinder person inside me now. Three and 1/2 years we have kept in touch but the lies have piled up and left me with so much sorrow. You think I don’t know who you are, yes I do and wonder why you would even think of me as I have nothing left to offer you. 

Don’t feel sad don’t feel lonely you have AB to warm your home and your bed, so just say goodbye and let go, it’s best for both of us don’t you know? I will be I will be ok, I was just stupid and thought one day that you and I would be happy together but I’m not for you as I am not arm candy, like you once said, “have you taken a look at yourself” no I’m not pretty, thin and young I am just me I am a special one.