Human Currency

Children must learn that there is a price to pay for every action, there is a reaction and sometimes actions can be costly, in fact deadly. You cannot taunt the actions of the heart to make the flow of blood possible. You cannot take hundreds of pills and expect to live a normal life ever again.

Once you attempt suicide there is the question of the unknown that hangs like a barren lightbulb from the ceiling. The question of why did I live or why didn’t I die are questions that become beacons in our minds. Questioning will not solve your quest for the answers because if you were meant to known them you already would.

Suicide is a totally lost soul-searching for its home in a land of no man and so many cannot pull themselves back from the edge of total dispair. I fear this is where my son stands and I stand at the edge with him trying to talk him down. I would jump for him if it would help but it won’t so I stand at the edge wondering when.

Some parents don’t want to be bothered but I am the opposite BOTHER ME, please bother me because that is what I am here for. I am here for you and you and you too and never doubt that for a minute. My son is at the hospital and he had the nurse call and leave a message but I am ignoring it.

Live is a baked meringue boat and my son is floating on it as it slowly dissolves into the ocean of lost boys and I am the licorice paddle that is stronger but I to am dissolving, sugar crystal by sugar crystal.  I am the sweet treat that dissolves on your tongue and I am sliding down your throat as I melt.

Party Not

I could be out having a great time tonight but my daughter is home for the weekend and it’s a way for her to transition back into the family. The guy I have started to date is a bit peeved that I set him aside for my daughter who will be 18 in January. He’s a heck of a nice guy but hey my kids come first in my life.

He is choking on this and it bothers him but I told him my kids are all I have and I am all they have and do not try to come before them because it will never happen. My kids don’t have the luxury of having family alive and I am the one they too for  everything.

He is beginning to assume he will see or talk to me every day and that is bugging me, he is moving to fast and showing signs of cracking where my kids are involved. I have no respect for anyone that puts someone they are dating before their kids, our kids were our choice and they should always be paramount in our lives.

I like spending time with my kids and Shelby is tutoring tonight and will be home soon. I enjoy my kids and I really am enjoying watching my daughter turn into a woman. I am so proud of her and can see her doing very well for herself and that is something to be proud of.

Ryan is doing better but he has lost a good friend at school, she no longer will have anything to do with him since his suicide attempt. It has to be so hard for him and he has asked to go to counseling twice a week and of course I have agreed. My kids have issues because of my husband and myself and not to let them work that out is a crime.

 

Kick Em

Why are people such users and take advantage of people when they are down? How can people live with themselves stealing from the elderly, sick and people in bad situations? What has happened to this world I once knew?

The night after my son tried to commit suicide I was a total mess, completely scattered and had a difficult time processing things that were going on around me. This guy that was supposed to do work for me, well I found him in my house when I got back from the hospital.

I had forgotten to close and lock the door next to my garage, that door is a separate entrance into my basement. He was in my house stealing and I didn’t even know it, he stole my sons computer, sony headphones, my reader and I do not know what else.

He stole my brand new opera gloves three pairs and my white corset. I am so pissed I could choke him to death. Who is this piece of shit anyway? Someone I thought was going to be a good referral until he never showed up on time, like hours late or he didn’t show up at all-I knew then he had to go.

He’s telling the police we had an agreement, bullshit he says we had a verbal agreement. Ya, we had a verbal agreement that he would give me a written estimate. The guy thought I would pay him 700.00 to install two rooms of carpeting, that isn’t including the carpeting.

If I would have seen the estimate at the beginning I would have blown him off. He isn’t capable of writing up an estimate. The guy has no business sense at all, and then my son tells me the guy makes his living by collecting scrap and selling it.

This guy is suppose to be like a handyman the only think he’s handy for is removing property without consent, it’s called stealing and I’m seeing about getting him for breaking and entering. Why do I always attract the trash of the world?

The bad thing about being bipolar is I keep it together during an emergency and do what needs to be done and then I fall to pieces after the emergency is taken care of. When my son tried to commit suicide I was literally scattered for a week.

I couldn’t think straight or deal with anything else as my son was my primary concern. I was back and forth to the hospital and mentally and physically exhausted. I wasn’t paying attention to items missing and didn’t even know they were missing from the house until yesterday when I brought Ryan home.

This is not going to be something I let go, no way I am going to get this jerk prosecuted and if he doesn’t return everything I will see that he burns and sits in jail for a while. I do not care anymore he screwed me so it’s time for me to drill him.

Frontal Lobe Language

When my bipolar controlled me I was at the mercy of the screaming thoughts that were so loud they sounded like voices. The self hatred came out in those thoughts and I would do things that deliberately hurt me, I wasn’t a cutter but I have broken several toes and fallen numerous times out of my own stupidity.

It is quite possible to hurt yourself over and over and not understand why you are continually causing yourself pain and injury. When I was going to hang myself it was the screaming thoughts that convinced me that I was  not worthy of living. It’s very hard to control the thoughts of self-hatred but you can stifle the mother fucker to death if you so choose.

Self-esteem is directly related to how we react to others and to ourselves and when you have no self esteem you look upon yourself as worthless, useless, a mistake and you do wish you were dead at times. You have to learn to believe in yourself and having friends that can see your illness dragging you through the shit is really important.

I have one special friend that could see I was being drug through the shit and I smelled like it as well. She started building me up very slowly as not to cover me with her bullshit as I would have seen it to be. She said nice things in small amounts and one day it finally kicked in.

I was a worthy person, I did have a purpose and use and I was worth keeping alive and no one could tell me different. I began the road of self-love and yes it was full of pot holes and muddy water but I moved passed that stage of the road and finally found smooth pavement.

I started meditating which really has helped a lot but it has taken some time to get focused enough to take control and empty my brain of all thoughts. Once you can empty your thoughts then you can begin self-healing and taking back control of your life.

I am not an island and I am not the only one that has searched for help and answers as there are so many mentally ill people searching as I did. My interest in medical procedures, medications and holistic medicine started in 2003 when my husband had his leg amputated.

The years of learning have made me venture into different areas of medicine because I felt it necessary to have as much knowledge as possible in my brain. You have to be your own medical advocate for your own safety.

Dr.s will and do abuse their fiduciary responsibility and their power medically as we are taught to trust the police, priests and doctors. We are taught not to question them or judge them when that is exactly what we must do for our own safety.

Dr.s are compensated quite well by the pharmaceutical company’s and if you don’t think they are you better think again. Dr.s push pills because they are handsomely rewarded to do just that and when you realize you are not getting better, look at the pills being pushed down your throat and who is doing the pushing.

Mental illness must be watched carefully because the big drug company’s are the ones with the patents for the major mental illness drugs. When a drug’s patent is up that is when it becomes so much cheaper because it is now labeled as generic.

Look at the drugs you are taking, are they generic? If not chances are very high your doctor is getting a kick back for pushing it on you and yes even the generics are being pushed as well. Holistic medication can and does work as good if not better than the pharmaceutical company’s harmful meds.

Look at the side effects of the medications from the company’s versus the medications available through holistic medication. I am not telling anyone to stop their meds and I am not telling anyone to change to holistic medication. What I am saying is take an interest in your health yourself and do some research, do not leave your health and welfare in the hands of anyone else.

Take control of your own health and learn as much as possible about herbs and supplements that are available and read, read, read until you are as well versed as your doctor. Know the side effects and no the alternates that are available to you.