Radioactive

I am sitting here all alone as usual except for my fabulous little puppies, Gabriel and Michael and yes they are my angels, they are what makes me smile and laugh and yes their love is unconditional and it’s all for me. I sit here thinking about my life and as I look back I see myself as a warrior against the world who has fought every step of the way but now I am no longer fighting as I drift into a new place, a new world a new reality. I could sit back and ask “why me?” but that is a waste because every lesson experienced is more knowledge learned.

I have made so many mistakes in my life, poor judgments and I have even gone as far as to commit to a relationship, not for myself but for the sake of my unborn child at the time. I stayed, I did all the wifey shit and I gave away myself, lost myself and traded myself for others. I left for a while but I did return and I took care of him until his last breath was exhaled, I held his hand as he died and I watched his soul move to another plane of existence. The loss of your spouse, the final moments of their lives is quite defining for the one left to pick up the pieces and it isn’t easy trying to put yourself back together again, make yourself feel worthy and feel love for yourself as you are.

It is sad that he died and my heart will always hold a spot that just he sits in because we were husband and wife for 18 yrs. and we experienced a lot together and that will never change. At times I feel such relief that I no longer have to worry every second of every day that he will die, it’s over he has died and at times I am lost without him. Everything I was, was wrapped around my family and now that there is no family I still feel lost at times and I still miss seeing his smile.

He wasn’t a bad man, no he never hit me which I would have rather had done to me than all the lies he told me. Everytime someone lies to me it feels like a stab in my heart because I already know the truth and I feel as if I am nothing but shit and not good enough to tell the truth to. It hurts me so much when people lie to me but then again I am not without telling lies myself as I am not perfect and yes I am imperfection perfect just the way I am. I don’t pretend never ever do I pretend to be someone I am not because I cannot put on airs of that nature.

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As it gets closer to Bob’s birthday I think more and more about him and I will go to the cemetery Tuesday to celebrate his birthday, I feel as if he must know that I have not forgotten him and I will always have a love in my heart for him. It’s going to be rough on the 26th of this month as I will not be here to visit him on the date of his death and that does hurt me. I am such a feeling person and I do not want to wake up on that date crying by myself but I already know I will be.

I will hold onto my feather pillow tightly telling him that we are doing the best we can and we are ok, at least we appear to be and I have to let go of what anger I have towards him for leaving our children. He knew he was sick and never said a damn word, things could have been so different but they weren’t and that is life. When you are sick and dieing no one can tell you what you should say or do and you make the choices that you feel are best even though others do not think as you do.

I listen to music today and yes the tears escape my eyes for the loss of a man who had a damn good heart for the main part, maybe it was me that brought out the ugly. I am not an easy person to be with because I am such a free spirit but I always respected my husband enough to let him in on my next move before I did it and surprisingly we rarely argued because we did communicate so well. Sometimes I feel as if I am radioactive but I know I am not and I couldn’t save his life like I had so many other times.

Sometimes, I feel like a hug failure because I couldn’t breathe life back into his body but I have to remind myself that I am not of Godly powers just a person that works in the name of God and do as he wishes me to. God wished that Bob and I be together the last month of his life because God has made me a strong woman for my friends and my children and yes I stand tall against the forces that need to have their ass whipped and yes I do the whipping when it is needed.

I have not been without tears, pain and an empty and abandoned heart but I do know that I did all that was humanly possible for my husband because when I am in a relationship, that person is numero uno first and foremost and God knows I did my best. Yes, I do remember my husband and my daughter got a tattoo in his memory, angel wings and they are just as beautiful as she is and no one can ever take away her inner beauty and I thank God for letting me her mom.

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Whewwwwww

Finally, I received my visa and passport back today and I was really starting to worry because there was one stupid snafu after another. First, the embassy didn’t receive my payment even though I had proof they did, then the passport company fucked around for days straightening that out then the mailed it to me without my street address which took another day to straighten out and then finally fedex delivered it and left it in my garage when it said they left it at the door.

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I was sweating bullets wondering if I were ever going to get the proper paperwork but I did and yes I have all my shots, like a dog and now I have my global entry interview on Wed. and I hope that goes smooth and I get it and I am done and ready except for packing. I have to go back to court on Monday to be removed from probation and then I am finally free as a bird to do as I wish. The auction of my items is this coming weekend and I will shoot up to the rv in hopes of getting a buyer.

I so wanted to show “him” the rv and spend time there but that won’t happen because he stays elusive and doesn’t appear to want to meet me. I can do nothing about that except cut him loose and enjoy the hell out of my vacation. I am so looking forward to getting away and regrouping myself and I so hope to put to rest some things that have bothered me for way to many years to count. My life if written in book form is stranger than fiction and no one would believe that so much shit could happen to one person.

Life is for the living and I am alive, vibrant and so ready for new experiences and maybe one day real true love but as of yet that has been like a hummingbird fluttering in my face only to dart off when I attempt to grab it. My tattoo is a symbol of that and I really love it because it is so well done.

 

Tattoo Me

I have wanted to get a tattoo for about a year now and I still cannot think of what I want tattooed on my body. It has to be something I will like thirty years from now, that’s if I live that long. I am not afraid of the pain as the amount of pain is based on the part of the body that is tattooed.

No, I am not into tattooing my crotch or boobs, I want a piece of art for all to see, something that I am really proud of and something colorful. Color fades over time and it needs to be redone but I don’t care because pushing fifty three next week has awoken me up to where I am at in my life.

I am nowhere, that is where I am and I feel like I am spinning my wheels in a Michigan snow storm. I can’t wait to be on my own and my kids doing well on theirs. I just want to get on with things and move on in my time before it gets away from me. I just want what everyone else does, to be happy.

I do not know why life is the way it is but it’s time for me to be happy for a change, enjoy the holidays again and enjoy life again. It’s been such a very long time since I have experienced happiness that I don’t know how I would react to such an uncommon phenomenon in my life.