Peeps Around The World

I found this song and it immediately made me think of my grandmother, brother, aunt, dad and husband. These are all of my family that has passed in the last five years. I miss all of them each and every day and pray that maybe one day I will have a family again.

I do not know you but I am sharing this song with you and hoping you have wonderful holidays!!!! Thank all of you for following and reading my blog and all I have learned from you.

 

U R Fool A

We make such silly mistakes in our lives and some really dumb decisions and we do not like the consequences. Life isn’t waiting for any of us and you are old today as you will ever be at this age which basically means you will never be this exact age again. We think live will hold for us and when we realize it won’t it’s usually too late.

People dress for success and when they are alone they can be themselves. People act a certain way to impress others and that is a fact which cannot be ignored. I want the real you not the fake and the phony shown to the world, I need the real thing, a real direction, a real love.

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We will always have a connection and that cannot be denied but the games are old and I’m tired of the ties we end up. I can’t waste time because I am not broken any longer, I have rebuilt myself, stronger and in control, no more little girl lost no I am a woman with a definite direction which includes you.

Blue Bro’s


If you can remember the blues brothers then you surely saw “Animal House”. That movie covered every no no there was, nudity, racism and so on but it was a great movie. I still miss the “man” speed balling is a terrible way to die but he chose it and we no longer have his great comedic personality.

 

Couch Contestant

My kids like to watch games shows and I can’t stand watching them because I get so pissed. Ryan likes Family Feud and Shelby likes Jeopardy. I am the worse couch contestant because I start screaming at those dumb people because they can’t come up with simple answer.

Ok, question 1, what item are you most likely to steal from a hotel room? The lamp, perfect answer right? Like I am walking out of a hotel with their lamp, lmao-this is the stupidity that makes me crazy and I actually yell at the tv and tell the contestant what a stupid ass they are.

I don’t care for Jeopardy because I dont  have the answers but every once in a while I know the answer and scare the shit out of myself. Even my kids are amazed their mom had a correct answer and they look at me like I am friggin Einstein, lol. It always impresses your kids when you have the correct answer and I think this is because mostly we baffle them with our bullshit. 

When we have the correct answer we are like the shining pillars holding up a great building, don’t you just love those moments? My daughter describes me as a person that can do anything and that is one hell of a compliment. It reminds me that my daughter sees me as an independent woman and I like that, hopefully she stays independent.

I prefer to watch the history channel and I don’t watch the news because it’s to depressing all the time. Here we go again another stupid shit on Family Feud, why can’t I reach through the tv and slap these fools? It would make me feel so much better, lmao. Where do they get these contestants anyway?

There was a huge scandal at one time about the networks giving the answers to the contestants and the shows were all rigged. Why does that not surprise me? Why wasn’t I living back then and be a lucky contestant? I could use a new washer and dryer and my dishwasher is for shit so throw one of those in to.

The Empty Chair

I was so hoping to have a nice dinner with my kids and James but Ryan didn’t take his meds last night and I saw them today and he took them before I could stop him. Of course he passed out because he has pills for sleeping and so as it goes he fell asleep on the couch and Shelby, James and I had dinner.

The fourth chair sat empty and I avoided looking at that chair because I didn’t want to think about Bob but it was a distraction none the less. This is the second Thanksgiving without Bob and that is a good thing because the second holidays without your spouse is kind of  a landmark for healing.

The first holidays are always the roughest and the second ones you seem to “remember when” and for me it has been easier than the first one for sure. These are mile stones I need before I can move on completely and I am glad I am not in a serious relationship because these are things I need to do myself and for myself.

No one can ever feel what you feel or think what you think and that is exactly why this is my “healing time”. I have to heal myself before I can let myself get seriously involved with anyone. Once I get past this year and the kids birthdays there will only be Bob’s birthday, Shelby’s graduation and our anniversary.

Once I am past those occasions then I will feel much better about getting seriously involved. I would like to meet someone and have a long distant relationship because I would like to know someone slowly. A long distant relationship would give me time to adjust to someone in my life and give both of us a chance to get to know each other while we continued to work on our own lives.

I want to have a lasting relationship and I think working on one slowly gives both people breathing room and not feel pressured. I am not one that is happy to skip down the aisle anytime soon if ever again. I would like to have an open relationship for a while until both of us feel we want to be exclusive.

Myself Lost

I am so completely lost in my own life and have not a clue where I am heading. One would think at my age I would have all the answers and know where I want to go. I do not, I am completely and utterly lost at this point in my life and all the changes keep on happening so I can never adjust.

I would love nothing more than to live on a small farm with my pets away from people. I have found I like my own company more than other people’s. I am so comfortable by myself and in my own home that I have no desire to go anywhere else right now. I love to travel but I just can’t afford it.

I need to get through these next several years and when the kids are gone is when I will make whatever moves are necessary or desirable. I am so glad I am not a woman who needs company or a man to make her complete. I get lonely but I have survived quite nicely without a man.

I will one day find all that I have dreamed for but in the mean time I am just trying to get past the manure pile of my life and dump the unnecessary crap. It is hard work to clean yourself up and dust yourself off and it takes years to shed the old skin and let the new one shine brightly.

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Dead Wood

Are you proud of

What you have become?

Someone who hurts

Others just for fun

You made promises

You never meant to

Keep

You are a liar

You are a thief

You hurt others

Just like me

You ask for money

Like I was your

Honey

You hurt me

Once

You hurt me

Twice

But who have

You really hurt?

Yourself

You have lost

Me for good

But we were never

Anything but

Dead wood

 

 

Back In Time

With Halloween coming up I started thinking back to my childhood and remembering how different things were and how our world has changed. Life used to be simple and fun, yes fun from the moment I woke up until I went to bed at night. I enjoyed the simple things in life, but life will never be that way again.

I remember using a sheet and cutting holes in it so I could be a ghost and I used a pillow case to hold all the candy I would get trick or treating. I remember swinging on a tire hung on a rope and twirling until the rope got so tight that untwirling was fast and furious, leaving me dizzy.

I remember when gas was 35 cents a gallon and Dino the dinosaur was used for promotion of Sinclair gas. The gas pumps had a  big round glass container like promotional tool on top of it, I remember when the gas attendant pumped your gas, cleaned your windows and checked your tires and they were always so friendly.

I remember loving going shopping for school clothes  and buying black pant and leather shoes that were so shiny. I couldn’t wait for school to start so I could wear my new clothes and shoes. I so enjoyed my new lunch box made out of metal and had mighty mouse on the side.

I can remember my uncle driving an old Chevy and driving down the road leaving dust behind him. I remember him taking me to the candy store and for 5 dollars I had enough candy to last a year. I would go to the soda cooler and slid the door open and reached down to get a coke.

I remember when I lived with my grandmother and I played across the road in the sand and i would venture into the forest behind the sand and I found moral mushrooms. My grandmother had me pick all of the mushrooms and she was just tickled pink. I do not remember ever eating them but then again I do not remember a lot from that time.

I remember watching tv and we had four channels to choose from and the tv was black and white. My grandparents always watched Walter Cronkite do the news and I got to watch my favorite show, Ed Sullivan. Ed always had the latest music artists on like the supremes, cowsills and different types of acts, dog acts and people doing weird stuff. I remember Elvis was such a shocker that they refused to show him from the waist down on tv.

When I look back I remember so many things that nothing of today compares to as life was simple now everything is technology and kids never go out and play, almost every kid has a computer and they live on them. Sexting is a huge thing but long ago no one ever talked about sex as it was taboo.

It makes me sad to look back as life has changed so much, how life has become so expensive and everyone is in such a hurry. The thought of someone slaughtering their own hogs and cows is so gross to most. Killing chickens really grosses people out yet they enjoy eating those animals.

We will never see the 60’s again and we will never live the simple life again. Man has become so greedy and self-absorbed and the more money, the fancier the car, clothes and home. There is no more love thy neighbor or Sunday family dinners and we have become expectant of items to enhance our lives such as ipods, ipads, kindles and so on.

Acceptance

I have lived in a state of denial for way to many years and I am finally accepting the truth. I have been so desperate for support that I have actually fallen in love with a cyber stalker. I know it is a sad state to be in but when you have no one to turn to you grab hold of the first life raft that floats by.

He offers me nothing and for some reason I have finally woken up to the fact that there is no us. I wonder if that is part of my illness? Imaging that someone I have never met loves me, have I gone crazy? Have I completely lost site of where my life should be headed? When you have a mental illness, you never know what is real and what is not as what I thought was real between us, never existed at all.

I believe I am slipping back into sanity and seeing life as it really is for the first time in a long time. Life is an empty circle with dead leaves, life is walking down the street and stepping in dog shit, life is lost in never land and I am lost with it.  One thing I am certain of is the next man I am involved with will be damn lucky because I  am a damn good woman and hard to replace as I am so unique in so many ways.

You may think I am conceited but I am not, I am building up myself because I have no support to build me up. I know who I am and who I am not and I have a definite direction I must follow. What will be will be and that is the way live goes, accept what is and put aside the denial, move the hell on and forget the past.