Lost In Thought

Have you ever just sat back and thought to yourself how different your life could be? O but you made a commitment to honor and be faithful right? Nobody had warned you that you would change, your spouse would change and distance would be a comfortable middle for both of you. You have promised to stay at least until your youngest child is gone and on their own, right? Did it ever occur to you the older your kids are the harder they take a split between their parents? Did it ever occur to you that you could die tomorrow? Why don’t we think about our own happiness? Very simple, because we feel a responsibility and we do not want to let anyone down, especially our parents.

We let ourselves float from one day to the next and we find someone out of nowhere that we are attracted to and that person is all we can think of. We wrestle with the guilt we feel and we wish we were single and available.

Our emotions become so overbearing and we fight not to let ourselves get to attached to that one special person. As the days go on and we get to know more and more about the person our desire to be with them begins to rule our every thought.

Then we wake up one day and realize that we are scaring ourselves because we just might make the move that we promised ourselves we would never make. When we are honest with ourselves we already know that if we are not happy neither is our spouse and they are probably thinking the same thing we are but we are to scared to talk to them about it so we continue to live for the day that we can make the move we so badly want to, need to.

To Deep

I find studying people quite interesting and how they react to different scenarios. I wonder what is going through the person’s mind in the car next to you as they are picking their nose as if gold where in it.I wonder what the lady I saw stealing was thinking when she saw me watching her. 

I wonder what the neighbor is thinking as they let their dog shit on my lawn and I wonder what the chef is thinking as he drops the steak on the floor and picks it up and serves it to his patron. I wonder what the lady with the baby is thinking as she leaves the commode and walks past the sink without washing her hands.

People fascinate me and the way they react varies from one person to the next.  I think the people who fascinate me the most are those that heavy into religion and their church and leave Sunday mass to meet up with his neighbor’s wife. It’s these type of people that are so hypocritical and judgemental and I really wonder how they can be so involved in others lives as they have dirty lives themselves.

I wonder how “he” feels about me, really feels about me and what I mean to him if anything at all. Does he care at all how sad and lonely I am? Do I hold any part of his heart at all? I truly think I am nothing more than a “friend” to him and I see nothing happening further.

YOU KNOW SOMETIMES LIFE JUST SUX AND THAT IS ALL THERE IS TO IT.

 

The Burning Bush

It’s an absolutely lovely day, perfect for holding hands with someone special. The temperature of the breeze is perfect and the leaves have changed so quickly. They have yet to fall to the ground which is so pretty as the leaves are all colors. Fall is my favorite season and then spring, I am not a winter person at all

The burning bush is green during the spring and summer and then fall, fall is the time that her leaves turn blood red and the entire bush is a beautiful red.  It won’t be long before all the leaves leave the safety of their limbs and let go to fall to earth where they become fertilizer for the land.

Bob used to sit at the kitchen table and look over to the house that belongs to the builder. He called him a nazi mother fucker, I just laughed when he said that because he said it so much. I thought to myself, ya he’s an asshole but not worth thinking about. Just about every morning Bob would sit at the table drinking his coffee calling the builder a nazi mother fucker, lol.

I have two more years and then I am selling this house and moving on. My kids will be grown and on their own and so will I, don’t get me wrong I love my kids but I have to find my own way in this world and that isn’t so easy. I do not think my kids would accept any man who I may date, I just do not see them accepting that at all.

I would never let anyone meet my kids that I wasn’t seriously thinking about living with, if I am thinking that way then it’s going to be a permanent relationship. Then and only then will I introduce my kids to him, it’s so much harder for older kids to accept things like this. My kids will just have to live with it and that is all I have to say about that, lol.

Feel My

He feels my pain

And he feels my love

He feels my loneliness

He feels my happiness

He feels everything I 

Feel 

He is everything I

Feel

I want his arms around

Me

To make me feel

Safe

I want to feel his heart 

Beat

I pray it beats for

Me

And only me

My thoughts are of

Him

And him alone

My heart is open to 

Him

I hope we find a

Love

That we both

Need

We are so much

Alike

Yet we are so

Different

Let  us be the 

Lock

And key that fit together

Nicely

The Ruler

It could have been any day of the week and it was just another Sunday, but what a lovely Sunday it was. The weather was perfect, it was “hold my hand” weather, it was a lazy day even the wind was warm and moving very little.

The kids and I spent the day together and went out to dinner, it was nice just us, yes I enjoyed myself very much. I had fallen in the fog of my own mind until my daughter brought me back to reality by actually shaking my arm to get my attention.

I was thinking of him, thinking what it is going to be like to meet for the first time, will he even show? I would hope he would and I can feel how care free we are going to be once we get over that initial uneasiness. I hope he likes being silly and I hope he isn’t one of those who thinks being silly is stupid.

I just realized it is fall already and we all know what that means, cuddling by the fire drinking cocoa and just relaxing. I think this is happening at the perfect time in my life and I really do hope he is the one that I have waited for.

I do not even know this man but I feel as if I am going to marry him and I know that sounds crazy but it is true. I’m in no hurry to get married and I screw around on my facebook and joke with the guys and ask them if they want to marry me, damn I’m only kidding guys.

I have felt his arms around me

In another time and place

Some how we have been brought together again

Maybe to finish what was never brought to an 

End

These souls are heaven bound

They are meant to be one

Together

Forever

He thinks she is crazy

And that is alright

Because he can’t get 

Rid of me

No matter how he tries

I am etched in his brain

And his thoughts

I am the ruler

That hides behind

His eyes

I am the whisper

that makes him so 

Mad

He’s not used to

Being treated like

A young lad

This woman is so

Fascinating

And she is so 

Damn intriguing

That I cannot turn 

Away

I cannot get her 

Out of my 

Mind

She controls me

She moves me

She makes me a 

better man

Who’s Your Hero?

I was just thinking wouldn’t it be crazy if he is some famous person and I have never heard of him? How embarrassing for me but hey he has to wipe his own ass just like me so he is someone I have a connection with nothing more.

I do not play groupie whore very well, no that part goes to some of the other women he has been with. I’m your run of the mill 60’s housewife type and I make no excuses for how I choose to care for those in my life. Yes, I am old fashioned and will not apologize but I am also way ahead of my time in many other ways.

My kids think I’m a pretty damn good mom and they still have their complaints but I have mine as well. They want me to get involved with someone but they want me as well. We shall see what happens in a week and until then, no I will not be getting involved with anyone.

If he thinks I’m going to fall to my knees he better think again I do not care who he is, we put our pants on one leg at a time so we can start there. This has been a real crazy way to meet someone as he has been following me online for like three years now.

He has still hidden himself and maybe he will hide himself still when we are together, which I wouldn’t blame him if he is some famous person. Hell if it were me I would, get laid and if “it” wasn’t there maybe hang around awhile longer and see what I thought.

I have no clue as to what he even looks like, lol yes this is wild but I am cracking up because anyone who would go to the length he has gone to well, it’s just so bizarre to me but I like it, I like it a lot it’s like a love letter but deeper, more thought, manipulation, planning and delegating.

He has me following his lead like a puppy and that is exactly what he wants which is fine for the time being as I will turn the table very quickly, do not underestimate the ability I have as a woman, as a person as a definitive being that knows what she wants.

Of Age

I have been told to act my age, well what the fuck is that suppose to mean anyway? Because I’m 52 years old I am suppose sit back in a rocker and watch the neighborhood children play? Fuck that shit, I want to play yes I want to continue to play in the rain.

I am one that loves to be silly, stupid, funny, outrageous and creative as hell. I do not need some asswipe to tell me to act my age. Because I do not act like I have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel does not mean I am not acting my age.

Don’t let life pass you by because you feel you are “too old” to act on or act out your emotions. Let me walk naked through the streets painted in fluorescent 

I am not to damn old and of course I am no longer limber but that is ok, let me do flips in a corporate meeting or hand my co-worker a new vibrator and cock ring for their birthday. Being outrageous is what I do best and I enjoy the hell out of myself doing it to.

With age does come wisdom and I have turned love making into a song, the rain into wind and the soil into a tree. I am of different and unique, the undesirable and punished and the hope of the world. That is what age does to you. You can see the colors of the rainbow very clearly and you can act upon them without fear of rejection.

Frontal Lobe Language

When my bipolar controlled me I was at the mercy of the screaming thoughts that were so loud they sounded like voices. The self hatred came out in those thoughts and I would do things that deliberately hurt me, I wasn’t a cutter but I have broken several toes and fallen numerous times out of my own stupidity.

It is quite possible to hurt yourself over and over and not understand why you are continually causing yourself pain and injury. When I was going to hang myself it was the screaming thoughts that convinced me that I was  not worthy of living. It’s very hard to control the thoughts of self-hatred but you can stifle the mother fucker to death if you so choose.

Self-esteem is directly related to how we react to others and to ourselves and when you have no self esteem you look upon yourself as worthless, useless, a mistake and you do wish you were dead at times. You have to learn to believe in yourself and having friends that can see your illness dragging you through the shit is really important.

I have one special friend that could see I was being drug through the shit and I smelled like it as well. She started building me up very slowly as not to cover me with her bullshit as I would have seen it to be. She said nice things in small amounts and one day it finally kicked in.

I was a worthy person, I did have a purpose and use and I was worth keeping alive and no one could tell me different. I began the road of self-love and yes it was full of pot holes and muddy water but I moved passed that stage of the road and finally found smooth pavement.

I started meditating which really has helped a lot but it has taken some time to get focused enough to take control and empty my brain of all thoughts. Once you can empty your thoughts then you can begin self-healing and taking back control of your life.

I am not an island and I am not the only one that has searched for help and answers as there are so many mentally ill people searching as I did. My interest in medical procedures, medications and holistic medicine started in 2003 when my husband had his leg amputated.

The years of learning have made me venture into different areas of medicine because I felt it necessary to have as much knowledge as possible in my brain. You have to be your own medical advocate for your own safety.

Dr.s will and do abuse their fiduciary responsibility and their power medically as we are taught to trust the police, priests and doctors. We are taught not to question them or judge them when that is exactly what we must do for our own safety.

Dr.s are compensated quite well by the pharmaceutical company’s and if you don’t think they are you better think again. Dr.s push pills because they are handsomely rewarded to do just that and when you realize you are not getting better, look at the pills being pushed down your throat and who is doing the pushing.

Mental illness must be watched carefully because the big drug company’s are the ones with the patents for the major mental illness drugs. When a drug’s patent is up that is when it becomes so much cheaper because it is now labeled as generic.

Look at the drugs you are taking, are they generic? If not chances are very high your doctor is getting a kick back for pushing it on you and yes even the generics are being pushed as well. Holistic medication can and does work as good if not better than the pharmaceutical company’s harmful meds.

Look at the side effects of the medications from the company’s versus the medications available through holistic medication. I am not telling anyone to stop their meds and I am not telling anyone to change to holistic medication. What I am saying is take an interest in your health yourself and do some research, do not leave your health and welfare in the hands of anyone else.

Take control of your own health and learn as much as possible about herbs and supplements that are available and read, read, read until you are as well versed as your doctor. Know the side effects and no the alternates that are available to you.