Bells

Cyril asked me what I was doing today and I told him cleaning and going to mass, he asked if he could join me which surprised me because no one has ever asked me to attend mass with me. I invited him and then we went out to breakfast and had a really nice time. He is such a nice man and he understands how hard it has been for me to lose everyone and losing Bob and my dad so close together has been very hard on me and he understands.

It’s hard to find people who understand grief and how it affects us on a daily basis, Cyril is educated in that field and he has a lot of education behind him which I find sexy. I love an intelligent, educated person and I have a hard time finding men like that as living in the car factory area of Michigan leaves me with slim pickens. Cyril has gone to run some errands and he will be back later and we are going to do something but I do not know what yet.

Cyril was impressed with the knowledge I have of Nigeria I really know very little but he seemed surprised that I would know little things like they shake hands with their left hand because most wipe their ass with their right, lol. I find this to be so funny because what if the person wipes with the other hand? lmao I don’t get some customs but hey it’s their country and their customs and it’s for me to accept it the way it is.

It’s going to an interesting flight to Nigeria with Cyril and he has been asking a lot of questions how I know my friends in Nigeria and how I met them. I just kind of blow him off and gloss over our meeting because it’s none of his business really. He says he is concerned for my safety because I have never met my friends before but I tried to tell him Frankie will keep me safe but he is still concerned and wants to meet Frankie. Like that is going to happen, not I am a big girl thank you very much.

Cyril seems to be showing too much protection for me and it is beginning to bother me, I do not need a babysitter and I feel like he thinks I am going to get hurt or used, which is not going to happen. I am not fearful and I am safe no matter where I go or what I do. Frankie would never lead me into dangerous areas and he will watch over me just fine and I will be fine. Who knows maybe I will hike through a bunch of countries or take a train, who know?

The Lacking

I can honestly say I have not dated a lot, never did in high school, after high school or in my thirties and forties. I am just not into dating I guess, or maybe it’s because when I commit I commit and stay in relationships a very long time.

I have gone for years without dating anyone and found it to be the best time of my life. I didn’t have to put up with anyone else’s crap. Single isn’t a bad place to be it’s a place that allows us to grow at our own pace.

I like being in a relationship when there is understanding but most do not take the time to understand me. I am unique in so many ways, so I am told but I will not change for anyone, why should I? I know how to act appropriately but choose not to.

I do not dress to impress or act to impress anyone as that is not me. I am not going to put on airs to impress anyone because there is nothing to be gained by being fake or a phony. You may have Louis Vuitton luggage and I may have JC Penny luggage but guess what? We both still have baggage and that will never change.

 

Fall

I really like fall and walking hand in hand in the park, enjoying the fall colors and the cool air. I like hot cider and donuts and fresh apples to bake apple strudel, fritters, pies ect. This time of year is so damn lonely for me as I have no one to walk with and enjoy the weather with.

The fall is so gloomy and really brings be down and I can see nothing but clouds and no sunshine. I need sunshine to keep me from getting the winter blues. My stalker I will never meet and trying to wean myself from that situation as it is not beneficial to me what so ever. I wish I knew what he wanted from me or if he has just gotten so caught up I am like drinking coffee every morning or reading the paper. 

It’s as if I have become  a habit or a good novel to keep up with. He sees how I am fighting and does nothing to help me so I guess he really doesn’t care and why should he anyway?

Sleepless In Paris

Wouldn’t you be worn out if you had traveled to all the countries below in less than twenty four hours?
France 
United States 
United Kingdom 
India 
Philippines 
New Zealand 
Georgia 
Poland

Well, I happen to have a no see relationship with the person doing this traveling, we have found it to be more exciting not to meet each other as that always keeps us guessing about the other one. Now isn’t that a new way to have a relationship? Ya, I know it’s pretty fucked up but you have to tell him that.

He’s afraid of me, afraid I might control him, take away his freedom like he is some little boy. He lies, he lies a lot and I just laugh because he has no reason to lie. I am not going to beat him, scream at him or punish him, so lieing is foolish. He follows my every move and I am not quite sure why.

To be honest I would love to have a real relationship with him but at this point body rental would do just fine. He’s a kinky fucker and loves porno. He just can’t help himself, he fantasizes all the time and he is the jack off king of the world. Bet his mom washed a lot of dirty sox when he was growing up, sorry mom.

I really would like to see him take better care of himself, get more rest, eat right come to me and get laid right, you know the little things that make life worth living. He’s either got a girlfriend or he is bisexual with a lover and I do not know which, my luck he’s bisexual.

The Confessions Short List

Our bodies are a fine piece of machinery that must be maintained properly or it does malfunction. I recently had food poisoning and that illness is extremely painful. Mixing equal parts of cider vinegar and water and drinking it helped a lot after I had puked my guts out all night.

I also have had two tia’s temporary ischemic attacks they are mini strokes and I did lose my peripheral vision for about six months. I have learned to eat healthier and get enough rest as well as meditate. I can tell you meditation is a wonder in itself.

I have also learned to fight the fights that I can win not the ones that are a waste of time to win. I know longer worry about being alone forever or waste time on people who are not conducive to my good health. I no longer waste energy on things that aren’t worth getting upset over or people.

I have learned to enjoy life by myself and do not put stock in empty promises or words any longer. I have accepted that God has a plan for me and I just cannot change it no matter how hard I try. He will bring me those that I need all in good time.

It’s not so easy to instantaneously stop loving someone and I cannot do it even though I have tried. Our paths will cross when they are meant to and not before hand. I think God wants us to be sure of ourselves and where we are headed before he puts us on the same road of life.

Who knows? Our paths may never cross and we may only be occupying each other’s thoughts temporarily. I should hope not but my hopes and wishes haven’t come to fruition and I do not know if they ever will. I have not replaced him as of yet, but I am not sitting on the fence either.

Have you ever connected with someone and everything about it felt absolutely right? You just know that the meeting was meant to be? That the two of you are to be one? The two of you have been brought into each other’s lives for a specific purpose? Have you ever met anyone that has been brought into your life to take care of you?

I have had a person cross my path that fits all of the above yet we have never met face to face. It seems as if we are forever doing the dance in the dark. We flirt, tease, chat, act silly but nope not once have we met and I am assuming it’s because the time isn’t right.

I know I cannot wait another year and I am so hoping we meet but I have no power over that and cannot change my life or his. His career involves world travel and he will soon enough be off for another year and I do fear there will never be an “our” moment.

It saddens me but when two people want to be together they will find a way, like I said “two”, I am not so sure he even wants to meet me. I am like a novel that is happy, sad, irritating, angering, funny, stupid and silly and he follows my every move.

I have “met” someone else that I enjoy talking to and he has called me several times from overseas and sent me flowers and I haven’t known him a week. The thought was nice but I was not impressed and the phone calls are nice but again, not impressed.

It takes a lot to impress me and I mean a lot, the first time I have ever been really impressed by someone was my husband. He lost his leg and when he walked without crutches and then could run, that was impressive those are the impressive people in this world, not the actors and billionaires.

People talk and say nothing most of their lives and that’s kind of the way I feel with this new guy. He talks but he doesn’t really say anything, lol. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and it seemed like you had to grasp for words to fill the empty space?

Have you ever felt awkward when someone says something to you and expects a response back and you don’t know what to say? Well, that’s kind of how it is with the new guy and I know I shouldn’t say that but I can’t help it because Mr. “old” guy and I never have those empty spaces of air conversations.

I think he does want to be with me but something more important is holding him back, maybe I am trying to fool myself into thinking that he cares and loves me. I do not know what to think but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt, I just have to.

TSA

When I travel I know tsa is going to go through my luggage so I gave serious thought to being a tsa agent and I think they have a boring job. I thought I would liven up their job a bit and pack my vibrator.

When I packed it I made sure that the slightest movement would make it turn on and when the tsa agent opened my luggage they got one big vibrator instead of the bomb they may think they are looking for, lmao.

I know that’s a rotten thing to do but I am always doing some f’d up stuff and just can’t help myself. I would have loved to have seen their faces when they opened up my suitcase and had to dig through all my lingerie to get to my joy toy, lmao.

When you don’t have a man available the next best thing always helps get you through the night. I am not ashamed to admit that I have sexual desires or that self-gratification is in my itinerary.

The crap you have to go through to get on a plane is ridiculous and I really wonder how many people do carry bombs on planes and don’t have the nerve to set them off. I sure hope they are never on a plane with me.