Express

We keep too much to ourselves and do not express ourselves enough. Everyone should express what they are feeling because nobody can read your mind and I know we expect certain people to be mind readers even though they can never be. Let those emotions out, turn on some music and jam.

Let loose and let the music move through you and go with the flow, it’s fun and it’s daring to let yourself go because we must always be on our best “behavior”. We are always supposed to be so damn prim and proper so for once just let go and enjoy the hell out of yourself, for yourself.

Sports Thighs

Well this appears to be my lucky month as I am meeting another guy, he is a bit young 32 but he is ready, willing and able. He is 6’4″ and skates behind a hockey stick professionally. I have been chatting with him on skype and he seems to be looking for the exact same thing I am.

I love tall men and the taller the better and handsome, omg definitely and he is Italian on top of it all. I think I fell in a bucket of shit and came out smelling like the rose. I think I might have found myself a new photographer who knows and the best thing of all is I just got some hot new dresses.

Let me just say the dresses are revealing all over and if you wore a garterbelt you could see it. I think I will wear it the first time we meet strictly for shock affect, lmao. I so love shocking people and watching their reaction because people would never expect to have someone take off their jacket and you can see their body, like really see it.

Doing things like that is what I love to do, they are spontaneous, funny, shocking and flooring to people and their reactions are priceless. I know I am immature and childish, disgusting and revolting but damn I am fun and I can keep myself entertained quite nicely.

Jealousy Theory

I have finally figured out what triggers Ryan’s depression and attitude, it’s his sister. Ryan is obviously jealous that I enjoy my daughter’s visits and I want to be part of her life. His entire demeanor changes when she is around and he is mean and very moody. I am glad I go to counseling and will start family counseling again.

Shelby doesn’t like to be around Ryan because he acts this way and there is really no excuse for it. I spend all of my time with Ryan and very little time with Shelby but he still resents her being around. He is constantly comparing himself to her and that is what my husband did to my son.

My husband always made Shelby out to be the greatest kid alive and never made Ryan feel good about himself. I can only do so much and a boy needs positive reinforcement from his dad. I have tried to build up my sons self esteem but I can only do so much and then my hands are tied.

I am hoping this new school makes Ryan feel good and I know he will feel accepted which is a great thing for him. The principal is supposed to be really good with kids that don’t fit in and Ryan is one of those kids. I do not see why he doesn’t fit in but I am not a kid either.

To Be Sure

People fall in love and get married without really looking at the person and they deal strictly on emotion. When I got married I was thirty four and got pregnant. Yes, I was on the pill but being fertile Myrtle proved to be stronger than any birth control pill. I married my husband because I thought he would be a good dad, how wrong I was.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband after ten years of marriage or so but I was never in love with him nor him with me. We were raised during a time that you did the “right thing” and got married if knocked up. I made it clear to him that I wanted two kids not just one.

He didn’t want anymore kids but that wasn’t the deal we made. When I was ovulating I would practically have to chase his butt down and tie him to the bed because he just wasn’t into sex. How can a man not be into sex? He wasn’t into making babies but to bad I got my son anyway.

When I was giving birth he told me to shut up because I was in so much pain, that is why I never fell in love with him. He was very into himself and he was very selfish. Bob always wanted the best that we could afford, even if we couldn’t afford it he would go buy it. I would invest my money for the kids education and he spent every damn dime of that money during our divorce.

We got back together and he died a month later, once again leaving me to fend for the kids and myself after he spent all the money. He wasn’t all bad but he was very selfish and I will never be with another person like that again. I think people place too much emphasis on love and not enough on real compatibility.

The biggest mistake people make is marrying for love and not looking at what the two have in common. Money is a huge problem in marriages because people do not look at each other’s spending and saving habits. I am not a spender because I have had to take care of myself since I was young and I know the importance of saving.

I have made some really stupid mistakes with money when I was sick but now that I am doing well physically and mentally I am back on track. I get excited over little things like wild flowers instead of roses, diamonds hold no interest to me and neither do big houses and fancy cars.

Of course I like these items but it doesn’t mean I want them because I know the importance of people over items. I only need enough to get by and I am happy. Life isn’t about the material crap, it’s about the moments that make memories we cherish and look back on, moments are all about life but material crap won’t hold your hand.

I am glad I am starting to see someone because it makes me look at my life differently and what I really want. I won’t end up with him permanently that I am sure of because I feel that I need to date several guys over a period of time before I make the decision to settle down with just one.

I thought I would end up with someone who has been in my life for the past 3-4 yrs. but that will never happen and I am moving on. We have never met and never will so it’s time to cut my losses and move forward. He doesn’t know me anymore than I know him and he won’t even meet me to see if he would be interested in going further.

So I have finally made the decision to move on and leave him to his own devices. He makes me feel like I am not good enough for him or pretty enough, thin enough, have enough money. I don’t want a damn thing from him and that includes supporting me, I did want one thing, his love but that will never happen so he’s being left behind while I find someone who cares about me and will love me.

I am over flowing with love and affection and I have wasted it for years on him and it’s time to respect and love myself enough to find someone who will truly appreciate what I have to offer as a woman and a lover. I have no doubt in time I will be happy for the rest of my life but for now I am just redefining Kimberly.

Forget Me Forget You

You will get tired of the dating games and when you do look me up, maybe I will still be available who knows? You better step up if you dont want me to forget you forever and yes that will happen as I have finally met someone that has my interest but I am giving you a chance before I open up to him. Once I let him into my life and my bed you will no longer be anything to me, not even a memory. It’s up to you but I wouldn’t wait any longer to contact me if you really want me and if you don’t o well.

When someone insists on contacting you on the internet constantly but can’t remember to say happy birthday to you then they are no friend or any kind of companion. It’s another quiet evening at home and the kids made me a cake but he couldn’t even call me and wish me a happy birthday.

Does it hurt? Sure it hurts but it has only solidified the closing of the door and I really no longer want to keep going on this way and I will not continue with his games. Today has come and gone as tomorrow will do the same and the day after that and each day will get easier until he isn’t even a faded memory.

You can ignore me on important dates but I can ignore and write you off as easy as writing a check that is going to bounce because of you. I have a long memory a very long memory and when someone hurts me I really do not have much trouble disposing of them from my life.

In turn, I can give the world and all the love someone could ever want or need and wasting it on someone who makes no time for me is a complete waste of what I have to offer. I am special in my own unique way and I will not let anyone make me feel less than I am and that is how he has been making me feel.

Why do we try to hang on to things or people who do not want us? Why do we waste time on people who are more impressed with themselves than anything else. I am finally getting my head in the right place and it doesn’t include him. His birthday is February 1 and I am sure he will be spending with someone new.

Hasn’t he figured out that he isn’t all that and that is why he can’t keep a healthy relationship? I don’t have a relationship because my husband died last year and I haven’t dated. He only the other hand can’t get back the woman he wants because she doesn’t want him romantically, he is nothing more than a friend to her but he can’t see that.

I don’t want him as a friend let alone a lover any longer, he doesn’t know me anymore than I know him but I do know I am not a thief or a liar, I am not a user or need my name in lights like he does and as far as I am concerned he has lost one of the best friends he has ever had.

This is the beginning of my life getting him out of it and if he thinks I will change my mind he doesn’t know me at all. You cannot trifle with my emotions because I do not take kindly to superficial crap from anyone. He has cut his nose off spite his face and he will one day regret all that he has done.

So You Want It?

People want, want, want-they want to be wealthy, thin, beautiful, live the high life, own homes and car and closets full of clothes. I learned that none of this is important because it gives you nothing but instant satisfaction. Sure buying shit makes us feel good but at the end of the day there is no emotion from these items.

I look at what is really important in life and that is people, people give hugs and kisses, people give empathy and understanding and people are what makes life worth living. Some of us want people we can’t have and there are people who want us but we do not want them.

I no longer want to let anyone near my heart because they do not appreciate what I have to offer as a person. My circle is extremely small because I like my solitude and privacy. I am learning that love always has a price tag and that is hurt, I no longer will let anyone near me because all they do is use me and lie to me.

I am so innocent on several levels but emotionally I am very weak and need to be nurtured. All of us need to be loved and nurtured but the pain it can cause us makes some of us want to forget it ever existed. The person that I have had feelings for is wealthy and famous but he is finding out not even his standing in life can make his private life any happier.

Take your money and wipe your ass with it, take your private jet and fly the skys until you run out of gas because you are headed for the side of a mountain. You are not special, you are not different, you have just been dealt a hand to make your life easier but are you happier?

If money makes you happy then you are shallower than any person I may know, and no I do not want your money or standing in life, in fact I no longer want you because I am finally seeing you for the person you are, which is nothing to me or my life. I am hurt but will get over it but will you get over no longer having me to chat with or play or little boy games.

You have hurt me so bad and do not even care but once you are hurt it’s a different story now isn’t it? You do not enjoy feeling emotional pain anymore than I do but you do not appreciate who I am and what I have to offer as a person, lover or friend. Go on your way and do not look back because I will no longer be standing there.

Tears Of A Clown

I am not the only person that let’s others see a false face, a face full of laughter and happiness. I am sitting here wondering why the tears are welling up and getting ready to roll down my cheeks. Today is supposed to be kind of special for me but it is just another huge blow up in my face.

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Birthday’s shouldn’t be special for adults but for me it is kind of “my day” that isn’t mine at all. It’s just another day on the calendar that means nothing to anybody other than they get Monday off for Veterans Day. I am a veteran of loss and lonely souls, where promises are nothing more than lies and no hugs or kisses.

There is no one to make me feel special, no calls, no cards-nothing as if I never existed. I am very sad on several levels because today is the end of a “relationship” I thought I had but never did. I no longer believe in dreams and ice cream, love or making love, I no longer feel like a person, just a scab ready to flake off.

I have invested to much of myself into loving someone who loves another so today I stop being the doormat and start being the door. The one thing about me as a Scorpio woman is I am very deep and love even deeper which makes it hard for me to let go. Today has been such an eye opener for me and I have finally accepted the fact I mean nothing to anybody.

I do not feel sorry for myself, no I just am letting go finally and yes it’s as painful as any death could be. He thinks I am just talking as usual but not this time. This time it is finished and I will cut off my hands before I ever reach out to anyone again, my love is special, unadulterated and pure but he doesn’t feel it or see it.

Why do I do this to myself? I am not a hopeless case that no one will ever love or want to share a life with, I am not ugly or stupid and yes I am a bbw and I am a beautiful soul and person always doing and giving to others. I was there for him and yes he has listened to me but I need more than an ear filled with wax.

He won’t even know I am gone that is how much he loves me but that is ok because he is wasting his time on someone who will never want to be with him again. I want him, he wants her so it’s time to cut my losses and move on and I am doing just that because I will no longer wait for someone who waits for someone else, which isn’t me.

 

Finally Found You

Do you find yourself all tied up over someone? Do you find yourself tripping over a crack when you think of this person? Does this person make you forget to flush when you are done? Well, if you feel like this then join the crack jumpers  group, because I am a member, in fact the president.

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I finally found you, yes I have and so many others have finally found theirs too. Isn’t it a wonderful feeling to love someone? Love someone even if you trip and scrape both knees? Isn’t it a grand feeling to love someone and they make you feel scrupulous? They are your smile, they are your kiss.

He makes me want to listen to music all day and dance naked, swirling and twirling in my moments of complete acceptance. I like myself more because of him and ya he’s attractive but you should see his heart, his heart is more beautiful than his face could ever be anyway. I didn’t fall in love with a face no I fell for the complete package long before it was complete.

I think he fell too, I think he fell for me the second he saw my picture and then he saw me dance, dancing with just my black negligee on and nothing on underneath. I am a free bird and so is he so maybe one day, yes I do hope one day we soar into each other’s arms. Don’t you too?

Tattoo Me

I have wanted to get a tattoo for about a year now and I still cannot think of what I want tattooed on my body. It has to be something I will like thirty years from now, that’s if I live that long. I am not afraid of the pain as the amount of pain is based on the part of the body that is tattooed.

No, I am not into tattooing my crotch or boobs, I want a piece of art for all to see, something that I am really proud of and something colorful. Color fades over time and it needs to be redone but I don’t care because pushing fifty three next week has awoken me up to where I am at in my life.

I am nowhere, that is where I am and I feel like I am spinning my wheels in a Michigan snow storm. I can’t wait to be on my own and my kids doing well on theirs. I just want to get on with things and move on in my time before it gets away from me. I just want what everyone else does, to be happy.

I do not know why life is the way it is but it’s time for me to be happy for a change, enjoy the holidays again and enjoy life again. It’s been such a very long time since I have experienced happiness that I don’t know how I would react to such an uncommon phenomenon in my life.