Try Me Please

Tomorrow I head back to court for the felony charge of entering my deceased dad’s home to get documents. Long story and boring but tomorrow should be the beginning of the end. The trial will last for two days my attorney has told me and he asked me what the pictures were of that the prosecutor had.

The pictures were of the documents I needed to settle my dad’s estate and then there was the bag of my dad’s ashes. Doris lied to me about my dad’s ashes, she said he wanted to be buried on the highest mountain and on his farm. This is a lie and there is nothing written in his will about that.

Those ashes belong to me not her and it is very upsetting for me to see them in a picture when I was going to put him to rest. This woman is greedy and a thief, she steals from the elderly and manipulates them into giving her their things and money. The relationship was one of convenience and she wanted my dad to marry her but he refused.

I just want to get this over with because I want to leave the states on a vacation and I need to clear this mess up first and then I am suing the shit out of the cops and Doris. I am fighting for what is my children’s as well as mine and with no family left all I have is family heirlooms.

A Hope A Dream

I woke up to take Ryan to school and he was up all night sick so he didn’t make it to school, again. I am still sick myself with the intestinal flu. I went back to bed and had the most delightful dream. I seem to have the best dreams after I go back to sleep and they are always so comforting.

I was sleeping in his bed in France and the light was sneaking peeks through the drapes. He was lieing behind me with his arm over my waist. I could feel the warmth of his body and his breath on my neck and I moved his hand from my waist and placed it on my bare breast.


We were so comfortable and it felt so right to be next to him. There was no sexual arousal, it was just two people feeling secure and happy to be with each other. Both of us needed this time to relax and to recharge for the day ahead and he was going to be leaving for the day shortly.

He repositioned himself and we slowly awoke and he climbed over me to get out of bed and into the shower. My day wasn’t to start for several more hours but the thought of him in the shower made me get up and join him. Both of us stood under the hot water and I soaped up the sponge and began to wash him.

I slowly moved the sponge over his neck and down his chest and then I washed his back and moved back to his crotch and gently washed his erect member. I worked around to his tight butt and washed him delicately. He kissed my neck and put me against the wall and entered me slowly.

This was no hasty sexual act but an act of slow methodical  demonstrative love. We made slow, passionate love and both of us exploded like a bomb. I washed his hair and then bent down and washed his legs and feet as he washed my hair and bathed me. We exited the shower and dried each other off and both of us had that look of mischievous on our faces.

I took off towards the bed and he chased me and as I dove into the bed he followed. We got under the covers and in a comfortable position and we talked about the days events. He got out of bed and I admired his glistening nakedness as he got dressed and then I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing.

I really like dreams like this because it makes me feel safe and secure, he makes me feel safe and secure and just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. I wish he was just a regular guy with a regular job but he isn’t regular in any way shape or form. With all that he has he also goes without the security of knowing that people like him for himself not his title.

People can be rich and famous and others think they have it all but the truth is they have no piece of mind. They always have to protect themselves from users and people who want to capitalize from them. Women have to be analyzed for their intentions and motives as well.

Would I ever want to be rich and famous? No, you may have the fame and all that you want materialistically but you can never be sure if someone likes you for you and nothing more. I have known him for years and the last two is when I discovered who he really is.


It is difficult for me to know who he is because I feel as if he compares me to all of the other women that want to be with him because of who he is. He doesn’t realize that his fame is a total turn off to me because I have no desire to live that lifestyle, no I am the girl who wants to go back to her youth of happiness living on a farm.

My wedding ring is very beautiful I guess but I am not into jewelry and my daughter wants my ring. I do not know if I should give it to her or not because it does represent her father and I. The ring means nothing to me and holds no memories like it should but the first sign that the marriage wasn’t going to work was the day we got married.

My girlfriend took pictures at the justice of the peace and not a single picture turned out. That represented a black cloud over our marriage to me. Things progressively got more distant as the years went on and we were no more than two ships passing in the night. I look back now and I see my purpose in the marriage was to take care of my husband until he reached heaven.

I did all the required duties and so much more but the marriage lacked the essentials for a happy union. I guess I am a strange  bird because I do not want anyone to support me or pay my bills and take care of my kids. I do not want a fancy house and car and I do not want a closet full of expensive clothes.

What do I want? A small ranch and a garden that I can pick fresh tomatoes, cilantro, garlic and jalapeno peppers. I really like hot sauce and making my own is the best. I just want a simple, happy life and I think that is what he is striving for himself because he has realized long ago the pitfalls of fame.

No matter how my dreams end I will always want him to be happy and healthy and I will always want his happiness, even if it is at the expense of my own. I have such a deep believe in the thought of us as true soul mates and that will never change because it continues to grow stronger year by year.


Christmas Reality


As a young girl I remember a movie about xmas that I have seen only once but I still remember it. I was about eight years old and it there was a blizzard outside. I was holed up in my night-gown drinking hot chocolate, the kind you made on the stove.

The story was about a boy about my age who lived in the ghetto’s of New York and his family had no money for Christmas. This little boy found this cat and fell in love with it and the corner store owner ended up giving this little boy tuna fish to feed his cat.

That’s all I can remember about the story but it has stuck with me all these years. The kindness of one can make another’s world so bright and gay. It would be nice if people didn’t wait for the holidays to do good things for others but I will take whatever is offered in this world at this time.

I wish I could remember the name of that movie because I would so like to watch it again. There are some movies that have such an impact on us we never forget them. This movie is a real eye opener to the kindness of man and to see it again would be so delightful.


We keep too much to ourselves and do not express ourselves enough. Everyone should express what they are feeling because nobody can read your mind and I know we expect certain people to be mind readers even though they can never be. Let those emotions out, turn on some music and jam.

Let loose and let the music move through you and go with the flow, it’s fun and it’s daring to let yourself go because we must always be on our best “behavior”. We are always supposed to be so damn prim and proper so for once just let go and enjoy the hell out of yourself, for yourself.


I was raised by my grandparents and they  were from Kentucky. They were typical southern baptists and yes they take singing at mass very important. Music moves us no matter what the lyrics.

I can remember the arms reaching to heaven, fainting, sweating and a lot of hurray’s. Music was based on the gospel and Elvis Presley made it quite famous. He took the gospil and sang it with vim and vigor.




Ryan and I are watching a sci-fi flick and there are those scary parts that happen and Ryan start yelling at the guy on the tv. Come now, you know you have done this how many times? I do it all the time and when I am at the movie theatre I can hear other people doing the same thing.

Isn’t it funny  how you can watch a flick and you start telling the person on tv what to do or you are asking them, like they are going to answer. Isn’t human nature funny and isn’t it funny how we scream at a tv or in the movie theatre? Asking the movie person why are you just standing there? LOL

Quarter Bounce

I finally bought a new king size mattress for my bed. I got rid of our mattress a few days after Bob died. I just couldn’t sleep in that bed any longer. Every morning since May 10, 2003 I would put my hand on his chest to see if he was still alive.

Bob’s family has a clotting disorder and Bob would get clots quite a bit. I thought he would die from them but he died from leukemia. The mattress was to symbolic of him and it had to go. I got a new one and it is extra firm.

The mattress is so hard you can bounce a quarter off of it. Most people wouldn’t like to sleep on a mattress that hard but I have slept great for the last two nights. I haven’t woke up with back or hip pain, it’s a beautiful thing.

The next dilemma is  being very careful of  “breaking it in”. I seem to remember the first man I have been on a mattress. I do not want just anyone in my bed if you know what I mean but I can only wait so long and with “C” in my life, I don’t know if we ever will make love but the potential is definitely there.

Nickels And Dimes

I have spent the better part of today adding stuff on amazon and ebay and wrapping books to ship tomorrow. I spent several weeks getting all of my books together and anything I can sell instead of giving it away. Last week and this week have brought in over 200 dollars which is always needed.

I am selling as much stuff as I can because I do not want it and when I move it will be so much easier. I have this huge house that I cannot maintain any longer or keep clean. My husband was fanatical about cleaning because he had nervous energy and he was always in the wheelchair in the house.

Two things my husband was awesome at was keeping the house clean and driving us places. I hate driving, absolutely hate it because I do not like speed limits and cleaning house is a waste of time because I have other things to do that are more important to me. I really cannot wait to sell this house and selling all the crap makes me money plus eliminates crap I do not need.

My son wants the money from his kinnect and other stuff but he seems to forget he just got a 130 dollar speeding ticket, which he will pay for. I am not going to make life easy for him and he is going to have to learn he has to pay for his mistakes just as all of us have to.

I hope Ryan gets a girlfriend at his new school because that would make him feel so good about himself. There is no way my kids meet anyone until Ryan has someone who will love him and he loves her back. The first girlfriend/boyfriend makes a huge difference in a kids life and his happiness is my happiness.


Back Seat Terror

My son Ryan, daughter Shelby and James the one I have adopted all decided to brave Black Friday. I needed a new mattress for my bed and so I bought one, finally. It came with a 32” tv and that just wouldn’t do so I upgraded to a 60″. My husband spent 5 grand on one and Ryan and I were arguing and he threw his phone at me and I threw it back hitting the tv and breaking it.

It was actually a good thing because I want no reminders of my husband and that tv screamed at me everyday to remember him. Anyway, Ryan has his drivers permit and he was driving and James was in the passenger front. Shelby and I were in the back seat and have you ever looked at someone and your eyes were wide open?

Shelby and I were looking at each other like we couldn’t wait to get our feet on the ground. Ryan was afraid to part so we went in a circle four times around a parking aisle until he finally parked. Shelby was making fun of him to me and he over heard her and threw down the keys he was so mad.

He has already gotten his first speeding ticket which cost 130.00 dollars and he does scare the hell out of me. Shelby and I are getting along so good since I finally admitted my fear of losing her and I think she is beginning to understand how I feel. We are to go to court with cps next month and the judge is going to order her to move back home.

I told her I wouldn’t make her move back and I won’t because I have to accept my little girl is a young woman. So we are slowly mending our relationship but none the less both of us are scared to death of Ryan’s driving. I do not remember Shelby being that bad but we made it home safe and sound.


Tell us Who are you? Should I do the introductions for you Mr. Famous and Wonderful, in need of a new publicist I can see by the lack of more vids posted-

Are you getting afraid? You damn well should be you fuck——-


You think I want to hurt you? Well, bingo motherfucker I want you to hurt like you have hurt me and no I will not be fooled again–


I will eventually spill your beans all over this blog but for now I want you to fucking squirm like the worm you are–