The Year Of Nots

She woke up Christmas morning and blinked twice as she listened to her dogs wanting to go out. She turned over in bed and thought to herself “another day another empty holiday.” This was the year of nots, not a happy valentines day, not a happy easter, not a happy birthday, not a happy Thanksgiving and definitely not a Merry Christmas.

They just had no desire to decorate or even put up a tree and she had bought her daughter a new television the month before. Her son wanted for nothing but a few shirts with league of legends characters. 

She got out of bed and let the boys out and she thought to herself that this was not the way a holiday should be. The kids had gotten her nothing and there were no presents under the tree because there had been no tree this year.

She got dressed and took the boys for their morning walk which was just short of four miles. She then gave her son the package with the shirts she had ordered for him and gave her daughter a planner that she had wanted.

She sat on the couch feeling nothing, absolutely nothing-no sadness, no anger, nothing – not a single emotion. She then got up and put the turkey breast in the oven and a while later she put the potatoes in the oven.

The triple berry pie had been made the night before and she had also made a chocolate cake. The turkey was finally done and she removed it from the oven and let it rest while the dinner rolls baked to a beautiful golden color.

She texted her on which was the standard form of communication between them as he was totally addicted to league of legends. He played the game from morning until night and only came out of his room to use the bathroom or to eat.

They each had a place to sit to eat dinner, her son went to his bedroom as usual, she sat on one couch and her daughter sat on the other. The family co-existed under one roof but the family dynamic had changed long ago.

Her daughter’s boyfriend came and picked her up and she sat on the couch by herself for hours, which was common for her. Her son came downstairs to get a piece of pie and they chatted about the day she had found out about her husband didn’t death.

They didn’t cry and her son had such a vivid memory of what had taken place that day. She on the other hand had forgotten so much and it was no doubt do to the shock of everything she had learned.

Mother and son chatted and walked down memory lane until the son was ready to return to his online game. Mother was left wanting to forget the conversation and to move on. She wanted to open herself up to the new man that was so very interested in her.

They had the same ideals and felt the same way about so many things  but she was afraid to let him get close to her. She was so afraid of getting hurt and even more afraid that the man she had waited for, for so long would finally  come knocking on her door and she would end up hurting the new man.

She hated hurting anyone and she hated hurting herself and all she wanted was to get through the holidays and finally find some peace of mind, some happiness. She was in need of love and a friend and she was finally going to allow someone to be a friend at least.


Strength Of One

Why do people put others in the dog house? Why do people allow themselves to be placed in that position? Why can’t people discuss their problems instead of one making the other feel less than they are? I have always preferred to discussing our problems with my husband.

We got along very well as friends and we only had one major drag out fight during our marriage. We had little disagreements but not often and we were able to work them out. The one thing I do when I am really pissed is I refuse to talk and the silent treatment is given.

I do this because it is better for me to say nothing than to tear a person to shreds which is easy for me to do when I am boiling mad. I am silent because I am thinking about the why’s and how’s things ended up in an argument and how I can handle the situation in a calmer manner.

I never threw my husband out of the bedroom forcing him to sleep on the couch, hell he went on his own when he got mad. He had a temper that was hidden and when he let it out it was frightening, I wasn’t afraid he would hurt me but I was afraid for others that made him that mad.

I had told my husband about the abuse I had sustained as a child and how I had a boyfriend that beat me up several times. I told my husband if another man ever hit me I would kill him and my husband knew I wasn’t just talking. My husband grabbed me one time and that was once to many and I made damn sure that it never happened again.

There is always one person stronger in any relationship and I do not mean physically. I have always avoided arguments and I give in more often than not. I prefer to work out our problems instead of making someone feel less than they are and I hate going to bed angry.

I have a very strong personality but when it comes to relationships I want them to work and I will do what I have to, to make them work. I am not one that must always “win” the argument, I am the one that gives in so life can fall back into a comfortable existence.