In His Slumber

He thinks of her as he gets ready to fall asleep, he wonders if she is serious this time about leaving him. He can’t seem to keep a relationship alive for long and they have been communicating for over three years, she is the one that has been there for him and helped him in his hours of need.

She loved him for himself not who others think he is, she doesn’t care if he isn’t rich, she doesn’t want diamonds and gold all she wants is some of his time she can hold. She has forgiven him his terribly dirty deeds but he still cannot see the woman inside of she. He knows how special and different she is and hopes she will wait for him.

Hoping won’t make it so only his arms around her will make it so, He doesn’t want to lose her but he isn’t ready to show himself to her. He knows she is getting tired of being lonely and he knows she will find someone to love her only. All she would like to see is him happy, does he know this?

Of course he does but does he care? Does he know she is meant to be with him? Does he not believe in fate? Of course he does, but he just is too afraid to move forward and he can no longer hope to be happy with just one. His hurt is so deep and yes he still will weep but he has to allow her to love him just for who he is.

To Deep

I find studying people quite interesting and how they react to different scenarios. I wonder what is going through the person’s mind in the car next to you as they are picking their nose as if gold where in it.I wonder what the lady I saw stealing was thinking when she saw me watching her. 

I wonder what the neighbor is thinking as they let their dog shit on my lawn and I wonder what the chef is thinking as he drops the steak on the floor and picks it up and serves it to his patron. I wonder what the lady with the baby is thinking as she leaves the commode and walks past the sink without washing her hands.

People fascinate me and the way they react varies from one person to the next.  I think the people who fascinate me the most are those that heavy into religion and their church and leave Sunday mass to meet up with his neighbor’s wife. It’s these type of people that are so hypocritical and judgemental and I really wonder how they can be so involved in others lives as they have dirty lives themselves.

I wonder how “he” feels about me, really feels about me and what I mean to him if anything at all. Does he care at all how sad and lonely I am? Do I hold any part of his heart at all? I truly think I am nothing more than a “friend” to him and I see nothing happening further.



The Confessions Short List

Our bodies are a fine piece of machinery that must be maintained properly or it does malfunction. I recently had food poisoning and that illness is extremely painful. Mixing equal parts of cider vinegar and water and drinking it helped a lot after I had puked my guts out all night.

I also have had two tia’s temporary ischemic attacks they are mini strokes and I did lose my peripheral vision for about six months. I have learned to eat healthier and get enough rest as well as meditate. I can tell you meditation is a wonder in itself.

I have also learned to fight the fights that I can win not the ones that are a waste of time to win. I know longer worry about being alone forever or waste time on people who are not conducive to my good health. I no longer waste energy on things that aren’t worth getting upset over or people.

I have learned to enjoy life by myself and do not put stock in empty promises or words any longer. I have accepted that God has a plan for me and I just cannot change it no matter how hard I try. He will bring me those that I need all in good time.

It’s not so easy to instantaneously stop loving someone and I cannot do it even though I have tried. Our paths will cross when they are meant to and not before hand. I think God wants us to be sure of ourselves and where we are headed before he puts us on the same road of life.

Who knows? Our paths may never cross and we may only be occupying each other’s thoughts temporarily. I should hope not but my hopes and wishes haven’t come to fruition and I do not know if they ever will. I have not replaced him as of yet, but I am not sitting on the fence either.

Have you ever connected with someone and everything about it felt absolutely right? You just know that the meeting was meant to be? That the two of you are to be one? The two of you have been brought into each other’s lives for a specific purpose? Have you ever met anyone that has been brought into your life to take care of you?

I have had a person cross my path that fits all of the above yet we have never met face to face. It seems as if we are forever doing the dance in the dark. We flirt, tease, chat, act silly but nope not once have we met and I am assuming it’s because the time isn’t right.

I know I cannot wait another year and I am so hoping we meet but I have no power over that and cannot change my life or his. His career involves world travel and he will soon enough be off for another year and I do fear there will never be an “our” moment.

It saddens me but when two people want to be together they will find a way, like I said “two”, I am not so sure he even wants to meet me. I am like a novel that is happy, sad, irritating, angering, funny, stupid and silly and he follows my every move.

I have “met” someone else that I enjoy talking to and he has called me several times from overseas and sent me flowers and I haven’t known him a week. The thought was nice but I was not impressed and the phone calls are nice but again, not impressed.

It takes a lot to impress me and I mean a lot, the first time I have ever been really impressed by someone was my husband. He lost his leg and when he walked without crutches and then could run, that was impressive those are the impressive people in this world, not the actors and billionaires.

People talk and say nothing most of their lives and that’s kind of the way I feel with this new guy. He talks but he doesn’t really say anything, lol. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and it seemed like you had to grasp for words to fill the empty space?

Have you ever felt awkward when someone says something to you and expects a response back and you don’t know what to say? Well, that’s kind of how it is with the new guy and I know I shouldn’t say that but I can’t help it because Mr. “old” guy and I never have those empty spaces of air conversations.

I think he does want to be with me but something more important is holding him back, maybe I am trying to fool myself into thinking that he cares and loves me. I do not know what to think but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt, I just have to.