The House

I can’t stand my house, it’s to damn big, I can’t keep up with it and I see Bob everywhere. I see him on every wall and door, I see him in the mirror and lying on the bed, I see him throwing up blood and his nose wouldn’t quit bleeding even though I put wet tea bags up his nostrils. I moved our chest and there was blood on the side of it and behind it, I can’t stand this house. This house was supposed to be our house but it what his house even though I paid for a majority of it.

He took the basic design and enhanced it, big fucking deal-I cook and I cook a lot but my kitchen is small and annoying and not efficient at all. He was more into impressing others than living in a home that worked for us. He always had to have the best we could afford and he never put a damn thing back so when he went to get it the next time he couldn’t find it and he would go buy a new one. I wasn’t raised that way at all, we never wasted anything as we were too poor .

This house is a reminder of when he had his leg amputated and the hundreds of times he was rushed to the hospital over the years. I would tell him to go to the hospital as the kids were little and we had no one to watch them, would he go? fuck no, he would wait until he couldn’t breathe anymore and I had to call EMS, bastard I should have let him die long ago but no I always called EMS. The kids were raised watching their dad be wheeled out on a gurney so many times that they became use to it and also used to the idea that their dad may not come home. What a great fucking childhood my kids have had so far and I  am pissed, damn pissed as no child should live through what my children have.

The thing that really bothered me about Bob is his admiration for others that had class and intelligence, he had neither and never would. He refused to read a book a paper a magazine, he just wouldn’t do anything to learn something new or different. I tried to go back to school but had to quit because he was always sick and needed me and when he saw my report card that was a 4.0 he told me not to get a big head, wtf? I didn’t say a word but yes I was proud of my grades as I had worked hard, worked double shifts, took care of my kids and him as well.

I enjoy learning something new all the time as I get bored easily but my husband didn’t want to learn a damn thing and he never did. He got pissed because I could fix things he couldn’t and I did what I wanted and he couldn’t control me. I don’t believe in controlling your partner as everyone is an individual and needs to fly at their own speed, and I don’t believe in holding your partner back either as that is not what a relationship means to me.

I wasted so many years with a man I was never in love with and started to loathe when I could have been happy with someone who actually loved me for who I was instead of what I had. It doesn’t matter if you are middle class or upper class “first I look in the purse” is so damn common among people. I hate this house as it represents everything I do not like and I can’t wait to sell it and all the “shit” he bought as well as myself. I want to get rid of everything and the only thing I want to keep are the pictures of the kids, nothing else in this house touches me and I just want to move on.

There are very few of us that experience a love that is all-consuming and when we do we need to grab it and hold tight because you may never be fortunate enough again to feel that love. We get so caught up in who we are, how much we make and our lifestyles that we don’t take the time to look at ourselves and realize we are not happy at all, we are just existing. There is only one person on this earth I know that walked away from fame and fortune because he was not happy, Cat Stevens. He is an awesome musician but he followed his heart which lead him to peace in his life and to this day he is content without the wealth and fame.

I know what doesn’t make me happy and I know what does and I am getting out of here by September and doing everything I always wanted to do and no I do not need a lot of money to do it. I am no longer waiting for someone who doesn’t know what they want out of their life but one thing is blatantly clear, they do not want me. I have closed that door and I am not looking back as I know longer have a use for a  voice without a face.

 I’m going through a rough patch but I am a survivor and there is only one thing I seek on this earth and it is to be in unison with another. 

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