The Wild Inside

My friends know the real me and they know that the wild inside me is harmless and I am a clown and say and do outrageous things because I like to make people laugh. When I make others laugh, I laugh and I prefer to laugh then to think about the things that make me sad.

I am very adaptable and I can go to a business dinner and be the perfect dinner guest and then I can go home and throw on my jeans and do and say silly things. People that do not know me think I am out of control and uncontrollable which is so far from the truth.

I used to have several businesses and I instinctively knew what to say to get things to go my way. When the situation requires me to act a certain way I mold into that character. I like to make people feel good and I always give real compliments or none at all.

I think this world is moving to fast and people are to into themselves to see that others need to hear something that will make them feel good. I do not blow smoke up anyone’s ass because that isn’t me and I cannot sell anything I do not believe in. I was very successful in my business life at one time.

I am a very hard working person that doesn’t look for or want hand outs from anyone. I like to support myself and I never want to be a burden to anyone and I do not believe it is a man’s place to support a woman. I have worked since I was twelve and I think everyone needs to earn their way before they get into a serious involvement.

My children have seen what happens when there isn’t enough money for gas or groceries and they know how hard I try to make things work smoothly financially. I can honestly tell you pop cans have been the only source of funds at times and buying a gallon of milk isn’t so easy without money.

I am very responsible and I take care of business first and foremost then the silly me comes out. Some people think I am to wild but they do not know me, only the persona I put out there. I want to be loved but in the same instance I deliberately push people away.

It’s a push pull type of relationship I have with myself which is like shooting myself in the foot but I want love so badly but scared to death of it at the same time. It will take a very understanding man to be in my life and one that can see the real me and take the time to understand me.

I am enjoying my time with Celestino but I think he is moving to fast and he wants to spend too much time with me. I should be grateful but I am not ready to rush head first into a relationship. I want a relationship where we spend time together but not all the time.

I know that isn’t how you build a relationship but I believe that absence does make the heart grow fonder and what I would really like is to have a relationship where we chat online and on the phone and get together maybe once or twice a month.

I want to build a relationship slowly and I want my freedom and he should have his. Over time if the relationship is a healthy one time together will grow and eventually I would like to be with him on a more regular basis. I need someone who will listen to me and is affectionate because I need to feel hugs and kisses, hand holding and affectionate moments.

Celestino is very affectionate but I think too much to soon isn’t good for any relationship. The gifts are a distraction that I do not want but I am having a very difficult time trying to convey that to him without hurting his feelings. He has plenty of disposable income and he has offered to give me money to help me out, which I have refused of course.

He told me he wants to do something fabulous for me for Christmas and I have already put a squash on that. I told him the holiday is to far to even think about and I have made it crystal clear he is not to buy me anything. I do not know if we will be together then and it is way to soon for him to start talking presents.

I could be like others and take his presents and money and yes I could use him but that doesn’t make me a better person or make me like myself anymore. All I want is someone who will love me for me and share my life, so am I asking too much?

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